M for Melancholy

I don’t think people ever move on.

They said to give time its time when things like this happen.
No, seriously, why?

Because with time, we forget?
Forget about the memories
and the way he smiles,
the way he hugs me?

I can’t.
I can’t forget the imprint he has left in me.
I can’t forget about the stupid dream that he told me once.
I can’t listen to some songs without being reminded of him.
I can’t read the books I lend to him anymore.
I can’t forget about the night where he needed me. When he shared a piece of his soul with me. I can’t forget his secrets, his insecurities, his fears, his aspirations.
I can’t forget his childhood stories, his discomfort in Cambodia, and how people said he is similar to his mum.
I can’t finish watching the final season of Breaking Bad that he love so much.
I can’t forget his birthday.

I can’t forget my shell.

Part of me accepts that he will always have a place in my heart. Part of me wonders why I am still stuck in the past. Part of me still loves him.

It has been 3 years, so honestly, do time made these memories fade or just numb me?

Your name, 
has bells attached to it, 

and a sweet aftertaste 
with an image of your smiling face.
Whenever I uttered your name.



Happy Birthday

It’s your birthday today.

My computer reminded me today with an alarm.
My phone reminded me with permanently flagging that date.
My email account sent a courtesy reminder to my inbox.

Its been a year.

Funny how technology the one that maintains this thin thread between us.

I didn’t want to be alone today.

Because I know I will be reminiscing about the past and wondering myself if I ever will get closure.

I’m done blaming myself, analyzing my actions, pondering those “what if” situations. In some ways, I moved on from that phase.

But I was alone today.

And it kind of forces me to face the reality that I did not change much. I’m a bit disappointed but know that I’m not tied down by you anymore.

I uh, I couldn’t greet you. Directly. Cause I know I’m just a distant memory now. Thrown and forgotten and I don’t want for you to be reminded of how I was. How I was last year when we met coincidentally.

So I’m doing this here because I found strength through my writing.

Happy Birthday.

Baking, Just Ehsan Elaborating

Cookies’ Chemistry

I found a website that talked about the chemistry behind the best chocolate chips cookies and it is pretty mindblowing! (Thanks to my last minute research on my kitchen chemistry assignment)

I have always known that baking cookies are not as simple as it seems. There are a lot of factors that can affect the end results. However, I wasn’t really that bothered to experiment it one by one. I’m satisfied with edible tasty cookies.

The one and only time I was so interested in a recipe were macaroons because that shit is hard. I did research for that sweet lil thing, baked 5 times for that and it’s still not successful. One day.

Anyway, back to chocolate chips cookies. Stumbling onto that site was magical. It was interesting as fk for me and it’s been a while that I was motivated to learn.

I’m just going to wait for Supa Save to restocked it Hershey’s chocolate chips and you will see me bake this tried and tested chocolate chips cookies!

They have a fking book on this. It’s definitely going on my book’s list now. Fk, I need to get this.

On another note, I have no comment on my post of “For My Shell“. Don’t ask me shits on it. Obviously, it’s for a person and nah, I won’t indulge on those details. 

Hugs, xx.





For My Shell

“I still can’t get over you.”

That is what on my mind when I was alone.

When I’m not with my friends, when I’m just lying on the sofa and my songs are playing in the background, you somehow managed to creep into my mind.

We never took any pictures together. It doesn’t matter as memories of us are ingrained stubbornly in my mind.

The songs that you introduced to me. The book that you lend to me.

Pieces of your character were passed on to me to be remembered.

To be honest, I’m really tired now.

Tired of your smiles. Tired of those walks we took. Tired of those lunch times we had. Tired of the times we played frisbee. Tired of your jokes. Tired of your concern. Tired of everything that had anything to do with you since August 2014.

I kept thinking back when we met by fate on my birthday last year. I wasn’t sure if it was a blissful thing or a cruel joke honestly. I wasn’t prepared at all.

Are things better now? Yes.

Do I still love you? Always.

How do I know? Because I know that your happiness doesn’t lie with me.

You’re the worst and best thing ever that happened to me.

You’re my undoing.

You’re still my shell.


A Promise

WP Daily Prompt: Promises

Today prompt made me think back of an 18-year-old me. I thought of a promise I made with a significant someone in the past. He made me promised that I would not lose a part of my identity when I am infatuated with him. This promise was in response when I told him that he was my shell. At that time, I was quite dependent on him, hence the ‘shell’ analogy that I used for him.

I knew that I could not keep that promise. He knew that too and he took a harsh approach when I break it.

Along the way, I just lose myself in him. I felt like my existence was defined when I was with him. He knew how harmful is that. He saw it coming, I didn’t.

On some days, I wondered if  he knew that I’m still struggling to pick up pieces of my personality that I had lost.

It was destructive, I admit, but did I regretted it? No, never.

One important lesson I learnt from that period of time is that I should never compromise my self-worth to suit another person. The aftermath can be a painful journey to retrace your steps back to the starting point, but you will rediscover yourself along the process.

I’m still retracing.