Just Ehsan Elaborating

Conversation

WP Daily Prompt: Conversation

When two person communicates to send a message to each other, but often times, it seems to be one person sending a message only and the other exists to just listen.

2018 tidbits of conversation so far:

  • “Fuck her.”
  • “Stop victimizing yourself.”
  • “She is so pretentious.”
  • “Don’t you think their conversation is degrading?”
  • “I love you too.”
  • “Don’t tell them.”
  • “I chose her.” 
  • “You need to stop apologizing for your feelings.”
  • “Don’t act, I know you want this.”
  • “Bitch, don’t start crying.”
  • “Wow, I didn’t know that you’re pretty wild.” 
  • “Only now you know how good we are.”
  • “Happy New Year! I miss you so much.”
  • “I don’t remember doing this.”


Hello peeps.

Happy New Year! I hope life, in general, will treat you right in 2018. Despite all the bad things that happened to me, 2017 was a good year to me.

I’m in a bit of a standstill now. Today prompt made me thought back to a conversation I had in 2017 and to be honest, it made me feel shitty that I was going nowhere. It seems like my efforts are futile.

However, going to start a new chapter in my life and frankly, quite excited for it. I’m going to do a semester of studying abroad and can’t wait to leave.

I am still a lost person trying my best to find a balance between the chaos of my emotions.

Until then, I’m going to just heal by myself.

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Writings

~Hiatus~

WP Daily Prompt: Heal

I need time to heal. For now.

Writing has always been a way of medium for me to heal from whatever I am going through.

Happiness. Sadness. Confusion. Hurt. Anger.

It allows for self-expression and to organize my thoughts.

Why am I sad? Because of this. Why is this making me sad? Because it matters. Why does it matter? Because and so on. I will eventually find out the source of it.

However, as of now and few weeks before,  I lost my words. I lost my flair in a way.

I feel like writing does not heal me at the moment.

Because then I am forced to write down the stuff that bothers me and something about seeing it in ink and paper just does not make it any better.

Add with school assignments and exams, I simply do not have the motivation to write. For now.

This blog has turned into something that I treasure and I will go back.

But, I need some time away from everything. And everyone. I need to force myself to be alone and just rethink my values and goals in life. To get my priorities right.

I need to give time time to heal me. I need to be patient.

For that, I leave my words here.

Peace out.

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Moody

WP Daily Prompt: Moody

I used to describe myself as a moody person in the past, but I come to terms that it’s a normal emotion/description, everyone can get moody. The differences lie in how long you will be moody for and also the stimulus that triggers your moodiness.

I kinda experienced and witness a number of things this past couple of days that are related to moodiness. I won’t divulge on those things as I believed that I am somehow restricted to, it is not my place to say their stuff w/o permission.

My experience was that I became moody cause I was reminded of the past. I was moody because I let myself to be bullied like that and somehow, all the emotions that I kept hidden under the rug for these individuals in my life were about to be let out in a fury. It’s not really a pleasant emotion, you can literally feel the ripple effect of the bubbles on the top of your chest. I almost made a mistake of unleashing it out on the wrong person.
Thank God I did not.

Personally, I think a person’s patience level is related to his/her moodiness.

Hmm…….
I need to work on my patience.

[Apologies for a sudden end, but this is the way I intended for.]

 

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Echo

WP Daily Prompt: Echo

I am done with shouting hurtful words with you when we fight. Words that came out at the heat of moment. You knew that those words are not what I meant, but why do you still take it to heart?

I know it was my fault, I knew that words can pierce your soul so easily. For you are a person who rather write all your sadness and anger in a flurry and keep it locked away. But who also share your happiness with me in delight by reading your beautifully eloquent words.

You’re a writer. I am aware of it when I was allowed a peek into your world. You made me read your chapters from the past and drafts for your future. Sometimes, I picked up crumpled papers that contain your hopes in it. I am marveled. I truly am.

However now, I fear to think that I got too far ahead with you. Am I taking you for granted, reading mindlessly without really registering it? Am I the sole reader of you, or will there be others after me? Am I selfish to keep you by myself instead of sharing your stories with others?

All these thinking just made my head spin. You’re the one who can express your feelings, but why do you choose not to at critical moments? Communication is important, and I thought we wouldn’t had that between us but it did. Oh, the irony.

I snapped back to the sound of your cries from across the room. Are you in pain? Geez, of course, I’m such a dumb fucker to even ask that.

I should be holding you but right now, I fear that you will break under my hurtful embrace. Cause oh my love, you’re too fragile.

It’s quiet now but never have I heard such a loud echo of desperation between us.

 

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Ostentatious

WP Daily Prompt: Ostentatious

I logged into my blog tonight at this ungodly hour of 3.50 am because first of all, I am taking a break from studying and secondly, I just want to write something suddenly. Something that eating away at the back of my mind, but I am not even sure how to begin writing about it. It could be one of those late night over thinking thoughts though.

The prompt for today, I did not know what does it mean so I did a quick Google.

Ostentatious

 – characterized by pretentious or showy display; designed to impress.

And I was just blown away by what I found, because I was thinking of writing something similar on that. It is a coincidence or what?

Gawd, my thoughts are so disorganized now, I’m just going to flow with it and ignore grammar rules now.

To begin with, it is known that  we act differently depending on the people we are with. For example, family, friends, lovers, lecturers. I do not believe you if you said you act the same way for every person. I do not mean we did a complete 180 turn from how we usually act, of course there are still the essence of your personality, it just that there are restrictions depending on the social group you’re with.

And that is possibly what eating away at me. To be honest, I caught myself acting ostentatious in some settings? I’m not even sure if its pretentious but the way I am behaving in uni is so much different when with my friends.

Of course, I justify it by saying I’m only comfortable with my close friends and uni friends are just uni friends you know? They don’t watch you grow up and go through the awkward teenage phase with you. They didn’t go through high school with you.

However, I am open to the idea of being closer with uni friends. It’s not really about how long you knew that person, its how they make you feel.

It’s a bit suffocating, I guess? Lol, I just realize one of the reasons is probably because I can’t swear as much as I want to with my uni friends. Need to be proper a bit, like a fking lady. Jkay, I’m far from being it 😛

But I guess it’s probably because the way I am wired. I’m really shy and quiet (despite the opposite of what others have told me) and I need more time to open up to people. I do not really have the social skills to keep the conversation going and I really prefer to listen to what you have to say on certain things.

All those self-help articles and advice will always be about one thing. BE YOURSELF.

So, I am being myself. Just not 100% during uni.

However, another dilemma I’m facing now is that people seem to think that I’m faking it?

I know, I know, I might be contradicting myself now, but I never, ever, act in a way just so I can impress people. No, all that shit talk bout being cool/need to act this so can uphold my reputation/don’t wanna throw face is just fking annoying and again, shitty, really.

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS ON ME.

But yea, honestly, whatever I have done now, it is solely 100% my decisions.

No matter how fked up I am during that time of decision, it is ultimately MY DECISION ALONE.

These past couple of months, I might seem to be behaving differently from others’ perceptions of me, hence I might seem ostentatious. But no, I just want to say that people can change, and for me, I’m just finally doing whatever the hell I wanted to do. I’m breaking out of my shell.

Then again, I realize that it might have been too much of a drastic change for them to accept, but oh well, like it or leave it right?

My thoughts are clear now. I come to a conclusion that I am not ostentatious, lol. I just need to work on my social skills for uni.

Okie. Always remember to do whatever the fk you want (except criminal stuff like killing, use some common sense lah) and stay true to yourself. The worst enemy is yourself, but the best friend is also you.

xx

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Urgent

WP Daily Prompt: Urgent

There is a world below me. A world that I was once a part of; hustling and bustling for the materialistic objects that we deemed are covered in happiness. However, once you unwrapped it, the wordings “MORE MORE” are inscribed on it. Just staring back at you and you feel compelled to act on your sense of urgency, the need to chase and fulfilled your compulsion.

I looked down on those oblivious sea of people, walking fast and possibly shouting orders on their phone. Faces frowning and unfriendly. Homeless people on the side of street are invisible to them. Majority of them are the underdogs. The top dogs are the one in the cars, looking outside the window and sneering at these people. The top dogs are also the one who has a high-rise office either by their family fortune or kissing the ass of a higher ranking CEO.

I breathe in my last puff of cigarette and threw the cigars butt down, watching it disappear slowly into the abyss of people. In a few moments, I will be down there, my face might possibly be smashed but still recognizable for my family members. Not that they are of any use really, those blood-sucking monsters.

It’s just like falling asleep. You close your eyes and sunk down into your unconscious state of mind. In fact, it is similar to sleeping, only it is permanently.

I take one last glimpse at the sky,

close my eyes,

take my last breath of the dirty air that is polluted by the factories designed for our consumption

and

jump.

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A Promise

WP Daily Prompt: Promises

Today prompt made me think back of an 18-year-old me. I thought of a promise I made with a significant someone in the past. He made me promised that I would not lose a part of my identity when I am infatuated with him. This promise was in response when I told him that he was my shell. At that time, I was quite dependent on him, hence the ‘shell’ analogy that I used for him.

I knew that I could not keep that promise. He knew that too and he took a harsh approach when I break it.

Along the way, I just lose myself in him. I felt like my existence was defined when I was with him. He knew how harmful is that. He saw it coming, I didn’t.

On some days, I wondered if  he knew that I’m still struggling to pick up pieces of my personality that I had lost.

It was destructive, I admit, but did I regretted it? No, never.

One important lesson I learnt from that period of time is that I should never compromise my self-worth to suit another person. The aftermath can be a painful journey to retrace your steps back to the starting point, but you will rediscover yourself along the process.

I’m still retracing.

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