Writings

I knew my sad days are coming,

when I was happy for few weeks. 

And it is funny that,

it is the same source. 

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The Things You Said

They said words are just words, that actions matter more than words.

I think they are a fool to think so.

Words inspired people to march to the battlefield. To fight for their King.

Words can bring people together, as Martin Luther King did when he was fighting for rights of minorities.

Words can transcend through generations and touched people’s hearts, as shown by the literature of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, where it is still being discussed today.

Words can bring forward a revolution, a change. Words are powerful tools.

The pen is mightier than a sword. For a pen can jot down words.

I believed in the ability of words. In the repercussions of it. In how much it can affect me and people around me.

It empowers me. It hurts me deeply. It is a double edge sword.

So words are just not words. It means something to me.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

I’m one year old!

Happy 1st Anniversary to this blog!

Special shout-out to Nick Chin, for being the one who pushed me to create this blog and I remember how he was the only reader for first few weeks and criticizing my posts.
“I don’t want to see ‘Old Treasures’ post, write something new!”

Another person to mention is CYC. Lmao, he’s legit the one who likes all my tweets and read my blog as well. He’s basically one of those three followers who like all my stuff.

So, a new look is required. I changed my theme a few days ago and so far, I like how clean it looks. I really love the fact that the categories and tags are clearly displayed. Not sure if you notice, but sometimes my tags are a continuation of my post.

I read a couple of my old posts and honestly, this blog is turning out more of a sanctuary for me to write. Most of my posts are poems (not sure if you can consider them as poems though) and writings. There are a few writings which I felt “This is trash, not good enough” and only one or two which really exceed my ability. The path to writing is infinite. You always move forward, never backward.


Behind each poem, there is an inspiration and usually, it is a personal experience. So thank you for those who taught me a lesson. Whether it is a pleasant or a hurtful one, I write to engrave those memories and heal my soul.

I hope to write happier poems in future however as of now, I can’t bear to write happy things.

Thank you all for reading and know that I love all of you. I wish your days filled with happiness.

 

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Anger

Anger is my childhood.

Whenever I tried to conjure up the first emotion I can remember from my childhood, its anger, and sadness.  Its not love.

Love was there. Was. It was there for a snippet of time before being overtaken by those two overwhelming emotions.

The anger hurled towards the cheating husband. The sadness of a crying wife.

Really, affairs are so common. Divorces are common. I’m aware of that now. If you cheated and change partners so many times in a relationship, what made you think your marriage will not be any different?

However, scratch deeper than the surface. You see a lot of children in need of counseling because they grew up with very fucked up emotions and experiences.

A friend mentioned before that children from fucked up families grew up to be resilient and strong. I rolled my eyes at that. Resilient? Strong? What a fuckload of bullshit.

Anger was the expression my mum used to us. She had a temper. To be honest, I blocked out most of my childhood memories. I remember my mum being angry all the time. I feel uneasy when she is around because the fear of getting scolded and being thrown hurtful remarks whenever I did something wrong is always that. That fear still carried today, even at the age of 21.

And when you’re shown anger as the reaction to almost everything, you will definitely be affected. I spent most of my teenage years being angry as well. I remember being annoyed at my friends over small matters. I had a temper as well.

Here’s the thing, I just can’t be at peace. I tried to change my behavior over time. It’s hard to undo years of reinforcement in you.

I am not blaming my mum for this. I accepted that it is part of her personality now. She is a single mum raising five kids on her own while her husband is off cheating somewhere and not paying a single cents for child support. How could you not get mad at that? I will always resent him for the rest of my life.

I still am trying to fix this. I treat my family and friends differently.

Its just, its so hard to explain.

Just today, my sister asked me “Soon Lee closed at 10 pm right?”. It was a simple question, but you want to know what I did? I replied, “Yes, but don’t shop too late.” There was a hint of annoyance. Because I was thinking if she shops late, she will trouble those workers cause they want to go back home early as well. My sister detected that annoyance (I’m telling you, our family is good at detecting these emotions) and she retorted back with “Look, I’m just asking, okay?”.

I dropped it there and then because I realize that I’m becoming this very ugly monster.

I want to say I’m getting better.

But tonight really fucked me up.

The negative vibe at my house disturbs my own path to a happier life?

Honestly, my number one fear is that I will pass this anger to my children or that I showed anger instead of love. Anger is my childhood and I am seeing how this is destroying myself, people around me, my siblings especially.

Then again, I’m prepared to cut off toxic people from my life, even if they are blood-related.

If doing so leads to a healthy mental health of mine, I can do that for my own happiness.

When/If you’re reading this, whether you’re my friend for 10 plus years or few months, please know that I appreciate you for being with me and reading this till the end. When/If you ever seen this ugly side of me emerging, please learn to accept my flaws.

 

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In the past, there were quite a number of people who I thought I can’t imagine life without them. That I can’t live without them. Things would not be the same if they were gone from my life.

But they were gone. They did leave.

And I survived. I do live my life without them.


But then again, a part of me died each time and I’m becoming less than a whole. 

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