Just Ehsan Elaborating

Depression

Disclaimer: These are my own feelings/opinions/experiences/perceptions of depression and it might not accurately depict what and/or how depression is in the medical context. I have not been professionally diagnosed to have depression. 


Depression.

Its funny how I thought I have depression when I learned about it in Psychology and part of the reason why I even took Psychology was that I suspected I had depression (why do I keep feeling sad?)

American Psychiatric Association defined it as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.” Merriam-Webster has two definitions; (1) a state of feeling sad and (2) a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

Sadness is a big part of depression. Yes, that’s true. However, it is still a little bit more than that and this is where common misconception lies.

When I somehow knew I have depression (during A-Level), I kind of keep it to myself and just insist that I was being sad and it is normal to feel that way. I wasn’t really vocal about it because I don’t want to lead myself to believe I have depression? To put in simply, I was in denial and I myself felt like it doesn’t match well with my personality. I’m always the girl that is smiling and laughing loudly (plus getting mad/raging to my close friends).

Somehow, it just got worst from then on and now, I don’t really deny that I don’t have depression. I’m trying to include it as casually as ever when talking to my friends. I want people to talk more about it and get rid of the negative stigma attached to it (that we are crazy). I want people to understand better about depression.

I mentioned earlier that depression is a little bit more than just being sad.

It is like a creeping vine that slowly growing around your heart.
You know it is there and no matter how you cut it or trim it, there will still be vines.
You just can’t remove it.
Sometimes, the vines just grab ahold of your whole heart and you just can’t help it.
You can’t breathe. You’re overwhelmed with all these emotions that are suddenly awash and you just want to curl up and be sad.
Other days, the vines are not that bad. It leaves you alone.

What people don’t get is that I can be in a crowd and surrounded by friends, joking and laughing away when suddenly, the vines grab ahold of me and I started to feel this lump at my throat. My heart felt like it is being clenched and there is this heavy weight pulling it down. And I can still be smiling and laughing with all these discomforts happening inside me within seconds.

That is what happening now.

It was a pretty good day today until after dinner. I just struck by this feeling and can’t help feeling sad.

I want to stop writing about this now. Also, it’s not so bad tonight, at least I am still able to formulate my thoughts and write this post.

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Feeling wordy tonight, and always at the brink of exhaustion. Its 4 am now and should really sleep but gripped by this particular sentence (the last one) in my mind. 


Can you hear it?

Listen really carefully.
Focus on that faint rasping.
On that slight tugging on your heart.
The momentary silence.
Just your own heartbeat.

Can you hear it?

 

Can you see it?

That glow the person is giving out.
And everything surrounding that person seems to fade away.
The face is etched in you.
How the sunlight seems to make her eyes changes colour from hazel brown to golden yellow.
Blink again to appreciate your eyes are not fooling you.

Can you see it?

 

Can you feel it?

The walls that are crashing down this moment.
The waves that became rough at the shore.
The storms that are slowly manifesting into a typhoon.
And just as suddenly,
everything is calm.

Can you feel it?

 

Can you taste the melody of love that is brought to you?

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Thoughts

M for Melancholy

I don’t think people ever move on.
Truly.

They said to give time its time when things like this happen.
Why?
No, seriously, why?

Because with time, we forget?
Forget about the memories
and the way he smiles,
the way he hugs me?

I can’t.
I can’t forget the imprint he has left in me.
I can’t forget about the stupid dream that he told me once.
I can’t listen to some songs without being reminded of him.
I can’t read the books I lend to him anymore.
I can’t forget about the night where he needed me. When he shared a piece of his soul with me. I can’t forget his secrets, his insecurities, his fears, his aspirations.
I can’t forget his childhood stories, his discomfort in Cambodia, and how people said he is similar to his mum.
I can’t finish watching the final season of Breaking Bad that he love so much.
I can’t forget his birthday.

I can’t forget my shell.

Part of me accepts that he will always have a place in my heart. Part of me wonders why I am still stuck in the past. Part of me still loves him.

It has been 3 years, so honestly, do time made these memories fade or just numb me?


Your name, 
still,
has bells attached to it, 

and a sweet aftertaste 
with an image of your smiling face.
Whenever I uttered your name.


 

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Writings

I was just a seed.
Unknown of my origins,
crumpled together with all the other seeds,
when you found me.

I am still unsure why you choose me,
what did you see in me?

You put me in the soil,
and watered me every day.
You ensure I have enough sunlight,
and shield me when the weather is really bad.

In time, I grew into a beautiful flower.

And your jealousy grew as well.

You cannot stand your friends admiring me,
for I am your personal project.

So you kept me locked in a room,
away from prying eyes,
but don’t you realize that you are depriving me of my essentials?

My leaves are wilting. I am dying.

Your love for me was once pure and honest,
and now it is corrupted and suffocating me to death.

Have you reached that stage where you rather destroy the love you build?

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Lost.

She lost herself today.  Again.

She walked through the hallways,
with confidence in each of her steps,
for she likes the sound her heels made,
thump,
thump,
thump.

The same as her heartbeat.
Can people sense that she is actually just pretending?
She is worried her cover will be blown away.
She does not know where to go honestly.

She is lost.

She lost an essence of herself ever since that person leave.
She thought she didn’t give a piece of her to him, but she thought wrong.
His presence is sticking everywhere.
Songs, books, conversations, food, places, pictures, cars, roads, accessories.

So now,
her mind is just full of clutter.
Trying to undo everything that he destroys in his wake.
All things innocent and pure seem to reek of pain now.

She is lost.

She lost her peace. She can’t go on plastering a smile on her face and laughing away when she just cannot wait to get out of the crowds.
Out from the suffocating and discomfort.

Rapid breathing,
racing thoughts,
quickening pulse,
it’s all too much.

She is lost and she doesn’t know where to go now.
She can’t go back to retrieve pieces of her,
at the same time,
she can’t go front cause its the end of the road.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

For Me

Let this post be a reference for future me.
Let this post be immortalized that I am feeling better.
Let this post be a reminder to me that I am starting to accept the reality.

I am strong. I am pretty. I am worthy. I am blessed.

In the past few days, I have learned a few things.

I broke down so many times that I didn’t care about the venue or people. That was how tired I am. I just can’t put on a smile already. I felt that I was weak.
But as weak as I am, deep down in my heart, I know I will get over this. No matter how long I take, I know I will be better.

The surprising thing about not pretending is that I found that a lot of people care for me. And for that, I am blessed.
These people are some I just met, some I didn’t know would care, some that show me they care with their actions, by hugs, by crying for me as they have no words, and some that have been there for me all along.
Thank you.

Next.
I haven’t taken a selfie for months, and even if I do, I always took it multiple times, delete it and I don’t really smile cause I felt that it is ugly. And taking time off really helps, because, yesterday, I genuinely felt pretty about myself. Even with my scars. Even with my eyebags. I took it with one try. And I love my smile.

Next.
It is a faint feeling of acceptance, but it is there. I do not feel like I am a second choice or as a replacement anymore. I know you do care about me and that you appreciate me. I have stopped feeling that I don’t deserve your friendship and that I am not worthy to you. I am worthy. I am me. Please engrave this in your heart and mind, Ehsan.

Lastly,
When I was comforting you, I realize that it breaks my heart to see you sad. Another realization that hits me is that this is who I am. I am being honest with myself and it is not because of the pressure to hold my reputation of being the sweet girl. I come to accept that I do wish you happiness, even if it’s with him. And when I saw that you were happy on the last day of the show, I truly feel happy for you. Know that Envy is dying out.

If shits happen again in the future,
I will be alright.
I will be better.
I will grow stronger.
I will write to heal.

Love yourself,
Ehsan.

 

 

 

 

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