Anger is my childhood.
Whenever I tried to conjure up the first emotion I can remember from my childhood, its anger, and sadness. Its not love.
Love was there. Was. It was there for a snippet of time before being overtaken by those two overwhelming emotions.
The anger hurled towards the cheating husband. The sadness of a crying wife.
Really, affairs are so common. Divorces are common. I’m aware of that now. If you cheated and change partners so many times in a relationship, what made you think your marriage will not be any different?
However, scratch deeper than the surface. You see a lot of children in need of counseling because they grew up with very fucked up emotions and experiences.
A friend mentioned before that children from fucked up families grew up to be resilient and strong. I rolled my eyes at that. Resilient? Strong? What a fuckload of bullshit.
Anger was the expression my mum used to us. She had a temper. To be honest, I blocked out most of my childhood memories. I remember my mum being angry all the time. I feel uneasy when she is around because the fear of getting scolded and being thrown hurtful remarks whenever I did something wrong is always that. That fear still carried today, even at the age of 21.
And when you’re shown anger as the reaction to almost everything, you will definitely be affected. I spent most of my teenage years being angry as well. I remember being annoyed at my friends over small matters. I had a temper as well.
Here’s the thing, I just can’t be at peace. I tried to change my behavior over time. It’s hard to undo years of reinforcement in you.
I am not blaming my mum for this. I accepted that it is part of her personality now. She is a single mum raising five kids on her own while her husband is off cheating somewhere and not paying a single cents for child support. How could you not get mad at that? I will always resent him for the rest of my life.
I still am trying to fix this. I treat my family and friends differently.
Its just, its so hard to explain.
Just today, my sister asked me “Soon Lee closed at 10 pm right?”. It was a simple question, but you want to know what I did? I replied, “Yes, but don’t shop too late.” There was a hint of annoyance. Because I was thinking if she shops late, she will trouble those workers cause they want to go back home early as well. My sister detected that annoyance (I’m telling you, our family is good at detecting these emotions) and she retorted back with “Look, I’m just asking, okay?”.
I dropped it there and then because I realize that I’m becoming this very ugly monster.
I want to say I’m getting better.
But tonight really fucked me up.
The negative vibe at my house disturbs my own path to a happier life?
Honestly, my number one fear is that I will pass this anger to my children or that I showed anger instead of love. Anger is my childhood and I am seeing how this is destroying myself, people around me, my siblings especially.
Then again, I’m prepared to cut off toxic people from my life, even if they are blood-related.
If doing so leads to a healthy mental health of mine, I can do that for my own happiness.
When/If you’re reading this, whether you’re my friend for 10 plus years or few months, please know that I appreciate you for being with me and reading this till the end. When/If you ever seen this ugly side of me emerging, please learn to accept my flaws.