Vase

I am broken beyond repair.

Like a vase that been smashed into pieces,
With the spill of water
and remnants of flowers
on the floor.

My broken shards promising pain to people who tried to touch it,
cuts forming and blood flowing on their fingers.
Shunning them out.

Let me be.
Don’t fix me cause I don’t want you hurt.
Don’t fix me if you are going to give up halfway.

Approach me only,
if you have the patience to glue each tiny pieces of me,
into a complete vase.

If you don’t, please just leave me be.

I prefer to have my fingertips bleeding
from piecing myself together,
painstakingly,
little by little.

---

Turning pain into words and surprisingly, I like this piece. I guess that is one good outcome. Still improving my writing. In a dark place right now but no worries, the Chinese blood in me is still able to study for my exams next week. Even if I cried or moody as fuck, it seems like my brain can still manage to do all that while studying and writing notes. I’m baffled by it as well.

If you are in a dark place (on however you define it), I wish for you to see the light soon and for your suffering to end as well. I truly wish you to find happiness.

Lots of love,
Ehsan

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M for Melancholy

I don’t think people ever move on.
Truly.

They said to give time its time when things like this happen.
Why?
No, seriously, why?

Because with time, we forget?
Forget about the memories
and the way he smiles,
the way he hugs me?

I can’t.
I can’t forget the imprint he has left in me.
I can’t forget about the stupid dream that he told me once.
I can’t listen to some songs without being reminded of him.
I can’t read the books I lend to him anymore.
I can’t forget about the night where he needed me. When he shared a piece of his soul with me. I can’t forget his secrets, his insecurities, his fears, his aspirations.
I can’t forget his childhood stories, his discomfort in Cambodia, and how people said he is similar to his mum.
I can’t finish watching the final season of Breaking Bad that he love so much.
I can’t forget his birthday.

I can’t forget my shell.

Part of me accepts that he will always have a place in my heart. Part of me wonders why I am still stuck in the past. Part of me still loves him.

It has been 3 years, so honestly, do time made these memories fade or just numb me?

---

Your name, 
still,
has bells attached to it, 
and a sweet aftertaste 
with an image of your smiling face.
Whenever I uttered your name.

---

 

For Aliah

In the short amount of time that we had known each other, I see enough that you are one of the bravest, kind, and independent young woman. I really do not have anything bad to say to you.

I don’t care if you don’t believe this yourself. But I strongly do and this is my view on you.

You are kind because when I told you the picture bothers me in such a harsh tone towards you, know that I had no intentions of hiding that jealousy and deep down, I probably know that you will feel bad. And you did, when honestly, it really is not your fault (its my fking emotions that play the part to blame).  I realize that I hurt you and I wish a thousand times I can take back what I said. But what’s done is done.

You are independent because you take care of your own finances and you take care of your family. I honestly admire this part of you. You can’t see it, but you have the ability to stand up after being knocked down by so many things that life throw at you.

Lastly, you are brave because, despite all your fears, you choose to test the water with him. I know that you know you have a chance of getting hurt, but you are still taking this risk, you are risking your heart by putting in on a plate and that is brave.

Thank you for your compliments on me, but you have qualities that are worthy too. This is for you. This is for you to remember that you don’t have to be anyone but just yourself.

YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

All my love,
Ehsan

Hi darkness

The monster is back again.

The one that I tried to keep a leash on, because of how destructive it is to me and people around me.

It’s a culmination of all things annoyance and hurt.

I’m not happy.
I’m not sad either.
It’s just feeling empty like there is a big gaping hole in my heart. Maybe that is what happens when I keep giving pieces to people.

I’m left with nothing.

And when I am left with nothing, when people had taken away my hopes, my trust, my time, all my efforts, all I can think of now is to do the same.

I want someone to trust me that I am there for them and accepted their flaws, only for me to totally crush her with spiteful words that I don’t want her already.

I want someone who thinks of me as his close friend because we been talking and was there for each other in times of crisis and even though it had been a short 8 months, he truly believes we are forever, only for me to just cut him off without any explanation and leave him hanging.

I want someone who will defend me to a group of mutual friends and that no matter how badly I treated him with my actions, he will just accept it. He will always listen to me and when I am done talking with him, I just cut the conversation there. He will think I am worth his time, only for me to show him that he is a just a convenient option, and I can just toss him into the bin without any remorse.

I want someone who thinks highly of the friendship we had since primary school and that even though I have many social circles, he is still the one that I can trust with my “real self” and that even though we fight, we wouldn’t end the friendship, only for me to hang out with our friends without him and posting captions that they are important. Yes, that would totally crush him.

I just want to feel how it would be like to hurt someone emotionally. How it would be like to be a class A douchebag.

This raw self of mine rarely appears, because people can’t handle it. I felt like I am not myself for a few years already and at some moments, I can’t differentiate if I am being genuine or just protecting my reputation of a sweet kind person.

---

To be honest with you,
I wish you and she broke up.
I wish you keep hurting yourself.
I wish you stop talking about your significant others.
I’m glad to see you having trouble with your friends.
I couldn’t care less about your problems.
I don’t wish you happiness.

For several people in the past.

---

 

Anger

Anger is my childhood.

Whenever I tried to conjure up the first emotion I can remember from my childhood, its anger, and sadness.  Its not love.

Love was there. Was. It was there for a snippet of time before being overtaken by those two overwhelming emotions.

The anger hurled towards the cheating husband. The sadness of a crying wife.

Really, affairs are so common. Divorces are common. I’m aware of that now. If you cheated and change partners so many times in a relationship, what made you think your marriage will not be any different?

However, scratch deeper than the surface. You see a lot of children in need of counseling because they grew up with very fucked up emotions and experiences.

A friend mentioned before that children from fucked up families grew up to be resilient and strong. I rolled my eyes at that. Resilient? Strong? What a fuckload of bullshit.

Anger was the expression my mum used to us. She had a temper. To be honest, I blocked out most of my childhood memories. I remember my mum being angry all the time. I feel uneasy when she is around because the fear of getting scolded and being thrown hurtful remarks whenever I did something wrong is always that. That fear still carried today, even at the age of 21.

And when you’re shown anger as the reaction to almost everything, you will definitely be affected. I spent most of my teenage years being angry as well. I remember being annoyed at my friends over small matters. I had a temper as well.

Here’s the thing, I just can’t be at peace. I tried to change my behavior over time. It’s hard to undo years of reinforcement in you.

I am not blaming my mum for this. I accepted that it is part of her personality now. She is a single mum raising five kids on her own while her husband is off cheating somewhere and not paying a single cents for child support. How could you not get mad at that? I will always resent him for the rest of my life.

I still am trying to fix this. I treat my family and friends differently.

Its just, its so hard to explain.

Just today, my sister asked me “Soon Lee closed at 10 pm right?”. It was a simple question, but you want to know what I did? I replied, “Yes, but don’t shop too late.” There was a hint of annoyance. Because I was thinking if she shops late, she will trouble those workers cause they want to go back home early as well. My sister detected that annoyance (I’m telling you, our family is good at detecting these emotions) and she retorted back with “Look, I’m just asking, okay?”.

I dropped it there and then because I realize that I’m becoming this very ugly monster.

I want to say I’m getting better.

But tonight really fucked me up.

The negative vibe at my house disturbs my own path to a happier life?

Honestly, my number one fear is that I will pass this anger to my children or that I showed anger instead of love. Anger is my childhood and I am seeing how this is destroying myself, people around me, my siblings especially.

Then again, I’m prepared to cut off toxic people from my life, even if they are blood-related.

If doing so leads to a healthy mental health of mine, I can do that for my own happiness.

When/If you’re reading this, whether you’re my friend for 10 plus years or few months, please know that I appreciate you for being with me and reading this till the end. When/If you ever seen this ugly side of me emerging, please learn to accept my flaws.

 

Life Lesson

There are some people in your life that are meant to stay for a while and when the time comes, they will leave. 

There are some people in your life who are not meant to stay, but you choose to let them to even though it is toxic.

Is there a clear distinction between those two sentences?

The first is the people in your life who had a profound effect on you, whether it was a good or bad experience, they are only there to teach you a lesson in life. Think about those heartbreaks you had with your exes, those waves of laughter you had with your kindergarten friends, those self-esteem issues with your bullies, the first fight you had with your best friend, all of these experiences, shaped you to become who you are today. While we might have innate traits since birth, environmental factors still play a major role in ourselves.

The second is when you refused to let these people go when they should have. And it usually turns out into something ugly, and hurtful. The period of time they are in your life does not matter, whether it is 2 months or 10 years. When it is the time to let go, you let go.

If you don’t, oh darling, you are just doing yourself more harm and I know that feeling. Trust me, I do because I choose the latter.

However, I am changing that.

A friend of mine told me some really honest views of his that made me cry. He did not sugarcoat his words, he did not comfort me, he was being brutally honest. And I think, that was what I needed.

There is no use clinging on to someone based on the past if that person had already given up/not putting in the effort anymore. If he/she has decided that you are not worth their time anymore, why are you still working on it? This is the tricky part, finding out the why. To do that, you really need to search deep within your heart and ask yourself this uncomfortable questions. Is it because you still see hope? Or you thought back to the past where that person said you were once important for them?

That when you need to fucking realise, again, that while you are holding on to this, he/she is not. Anymore. People get bored. You are simply past the expiration date for that person. Also, don’t think it is their loss, your loss, or whatever. It is not their loss if that person had decided that he/she can do better, why is it their loss?

So yea, this is what I learned from him. You may disagree with his views, but for me, it is one that I knew already but never acknowledge it.

Finally,

There are some people in your life who will stay forever.

Maybe you found them already, maybe you haven’t. But there are.

Hugs, xx.

My Personal View

I have been receiving a string of bad news lately that are tied to people I care about and to be honest, it is stressing me out.

I do understand that me being a third person, stressing out or worrying won’t help at all. The way I’m feeling now cannot be on the same page as them.

But, I still am worried. 

It is only because I know how some people can be.

No matter how much exposure you give to a cause, for example, spreading knowledge about a kid with cancer, there will still be people who don’t care. Or they care at that one moment and they forget about it the next day.

No matter how much retweets are given, how much ‘shares’ are clicked on a Facebook post, how much pictures are posted on Instagram, there will always, always, be people who will forget about this and move on.

And that is not something I want. I do not want you to stop talking about it. I do not want you to forget about it. I want you to remember it in your skins and bones.

However, I won’t condemn you if you do not feel that way. Because I am a hypocrite. I am one of those people. I stopped caring about things that are not related to me a few years ago as it’s taking a toll on my mental health. The only reason I am caring about this is because people who I considered close with are being affected and that is not nice. I do not like seeing them stressful.

Please do know that I am bad at this type of situation and I really don’t know what to say. I can only give you hugs and those standardised responses.

Hugs, xx