Writings

Numbness

A friend spout hates and scolded me for not celebrating our friend’s bday.

He told me he hates me, how I’m selfish and that he doesn’t care about my feelings.

How I made someone my whole world and he want out of it.

Truth to be told,

that world is gone now.

What surprised me was how numb I was towards his remarks.

It was full of hurtful words and yet, I don’t really feel anything.

In fact, I don’t really feel much nowadays. 

I’m cutting off and hurting people left and right and I don’t feel a thing.

I’m too tired to care, maybe, or something really shuts me down now.

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Writings

Forget

I wish that forgetting you follows a logic algorithm. A cause and effect, where each action I take, somehow increase the forgetfulness.

That with each shot of Vodka I took, I can drink you out of my system,

With each puff of my cigarettes, I can memorize scents other than yours.

And that everytime I’m high, I can forget the stabbing pain in my heart.

Every laughter I had with my friends, those belly-aching moments made my life seems bearable.

Knowing new people and flirting with other boys.

Going to a place where we’re supposed to go with another friend in order to erase the broken arrangement.

Honestly, I wish it’s all this simple.

But its not. Its very hard. You really leave a stain on my white clothes.

 

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Thoughts, Writings

Vase

I am broken beyond repair.

Like a vase that been smashed into pieces,
With the spill of water
and remnants of flowers
on the floor.

My broken shards promising pain to people who tried to touch it,
cuts forming and blood flowing on their fingers.
Shunning them out.

Let me be.
Don’t fix me cause I don’t want you hurt.
Don’t fix me if you are going to give up halfway.

Approach me only,
if you have the patience to glue each tiny pieces of me,
into a complete vase.

If you don’t, please just leave me be.

I prefer to have my fingertips bleeding
from piecing myself together,
painstakingly,
little by little.


Turning pain into words and surprisingly, I like this piece. I guess that is one good outcome. Still improving my writing. In a dark place right now but no worries, the Chinese blood in me is still able to study for my exams next week. Even if I cried or moody as fuck, it seems like my brain can still manage to do all that while studying and writing notes. I’m baffled by it as well.

If you are in a dark place (on however you define it), I wish for you to see the light soon and for your suffering to end as well. I truly wish you to find happiness.

Lots of love,
Ehsan

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Writings

Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Memories of yesterday
keep resurfacing randomly today,
in the form of a smile and chuckle.

Infused with joy through my veins,
the warmness of happiness spreading throughout,
as I remembered the funny forgotten conversations we had.

How perfect you look under that lighting,
I was transfixed by you,
that I forgot how to breathe,
and that it is impolite to stare too long.

The way our fingers laced,
the tease in your eyes,
the gentle pats.

This moment will last forever.
Nothing, and I meant everything, can corrupt this precious memory.

I fail to remember any sad songs yesterday as Ed Sheeran’s Perfect keep replaying in my head throughout the day.

I honestly don’t deserve you :>

 

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Thoughts

M for Melancholy

I don’t think people ever move on.
Truly.

They said to give time its time when things like this happen.
Why?
No, seriously, why?

Because with time, we forget?
Forget about the memories
and the way he smiles,
the way he hugs me?

I can’t.
I can’t forget the imprint he has left in me.
I can’t forget about the stupid dream that he told me once.
I can’t listen to some songs without being reminded of him.
I can’t read the books I lend to him anymore.
I can’t forget about the night where he needed me. When he shared a piece of his soul with me. I can’t forget his secrets, his insecurities, his fears, his aspirations.
I can’t forget his childhood stories, his discomfort in Cambodia, and how people said he is similar to his mum.
I can’t finish watching the final season of Breaking Bad that he love so much.
I can’t forget his birthday.

I can’t forget my shell.

Part of me accepts that he will always have a place in my heart. Part of me wonders why I am still stuck in the past. Part of me still loves him.

It has been 3 years, so honestly, do time made these memories fade or just numb me?


Your name, 
still,
has bells attached to it, 

and a sweet aftertaste 
with an image of your smiling face.
Whenever I uttered your name.


 

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Writings

I was just a seed.
Unknown of my origins,
crumpled together with all the other seeds,
when you found me.

I am still unsure why you choose me,
what did you see in me?

You put me in the soil,
and watered me every day.
You ensure I have enough sunlight,
and shield me when the weather is really bad.

In time, I grew into a beautiful flower.

And your jealousy grew as well.

You cannot stand your friends admiring me,
for I am your personal project.

So you kept me locked in a room,
away from prying eyes,
but don’t you realize that you are depriving me of my essentials?

My leaves are wilting. I am dying.

Your love for me was once pure and honest,
and now it is corrupted and suffocating me to death.

Have you reached that stage where you rather destroy the love you build?

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

For Me

Let this post be a reference for future me.
Let this post be immortalized that I am feeling better.
Let this post be a reminder to me that I am starting to accept the reality.

I am strong. I am pretty. I am worthy. I am blessed.

In the past few days, I have learned a few things.

I broke down so many times that I didn’t care about the venue or people. That was how tired I am. I just can’t put on a smile already. I felt that I was weak.
But as weak as I am, deep down in my heart, I know I will get over this. No matter how long I take, I know I will be better.

The surprising thing about not pretending is that I found that a lot of people care for me. And for that, I am blessed.
These people are some I just met, some I didn’t know would care, some that show me they care with their actions, by hugs, by crying for me as they have no words, and some that have been there for me all along.
Thank you.

Next.
I haven’t taken a selfie for months, and even if I do, I always took it multiple times, delete it and I don’t really smile cause I felt that it is ugly. And taking time off really helps, because, yesterday, I genuinely felt pretty about myself. Even with my scars. Even with my eyebags. I took it with one try. And I love my smile.

Next.
It is a faint feeling of acceptance, but it is there. I do not feel like I am a second choice or as a replacement anymore. I know you do care about me and that you appreciate me. I have stopped feeling that I don’t deserve your friendship and that I am not worthy to you. I am worthy. I am me. Please engrave this in your heart and mind, Ehsan.

Lastly,
When I was comforting you, I realize that it breaks my heart to see you sad. Another realization that hits me is that this is who I am. I am being honest with myself and it is not because of the pressure to hold my reputation of being the sweet girl. I come to accept that I do wish you happiness, even if it’s with him. And when I saw that you were happy on the last day of the show, I truly feel happy for you. Know that Envy is dying out.

If shits happen again in the future,
I will be alright.
I will be better.
I will grow stronger.
I will write to heal.

Love yourself,
Ehsan.

 

 

 

 

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