Let this post be a reference for future me.
Let this post be immortalized that I am feeling better.
Let this post be a reminder to me that I am starting to accept the reality.
I am strong. I am pretty. I am worthy. I am blessed.
In the past few days, I have learned a few things.
I broke down so many times that I didn’t care about the venue or people. That was how tired I am. I just can’t put on a smile already. I felt that I was weak.
But as weak as I am, deep down in my heart, I know I will get over this. No matter how long I take, I know I will be better.
The surprising thing about not pretending is that I found that a lot of people care for me. And for that, I am blessed.
These people are some I just met, some I didn’t know would care, some that show me they care with their actions, by hugs, by crying for me as they have no words, and some that have been there for me all along.
I haven’t taken a selfie for months, and even if I do, I always took it multiple times, delete it and I don’t really smile cause I felt that it is ugly. And taking time off really helps, because, yesterday, I genuinely felt pretty about myself. Even with my scars. Even with my eyebags. I took it with one try. And I love my smile.
It is a faint feeling of acceptance, but it is there. I do not feel like I am a second choice or as a replacement anymore. I know you do care about me and that you appreciate me. I have stopped feeling that I don’t deserve your friendship and that I am not worthy to you. I am worthy. I am me. Please engrave this in your heart and mind, Ehsan.
When I was comforting you, I realize that it breaks my heart to see you sad. Another realization that hits me is that this is who I am. I am being honest with myself and it is not because of the pressure to hold my reputation of being the sweet girl. I come to accept that I do wish you happiness, even if it’s with him. And when I saw that you were happy on the last day of the show, I truly feel happy for you. Know that Envy is dying out.
If shits happen again in the future,
I will be alright.
I will be better.
I will grow stronger.
I will write to heal.