Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)
I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.
I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.
I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.
The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.
I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.
Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.
I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.
I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.
I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.
But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only.
There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.
I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.
Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.
With lots of love,