Just Ehsan Elaborating, Uncategorized

Never Forget.

Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)

I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.

I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.

I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.

The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.

I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.

Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.

I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.


I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.

I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.

But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only. 

There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.

I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.

Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.

With lots of love,
Ehsan.

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Elsa

So so soooo fucking frustrating.

All this pent-up feelings and words and thoughts in my mind.

I really just want to shout at the top of my lungs to your sickeningly sweet face,

” I FUCKING MISS YOU. “

Uggghhhhhhh.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

There so much I want to talk about. I want to talk about my day. I want to tell you about the cute guy I saw on the street. I want to talk about this pretty transgender that I found in IG. I want to rant about how lazy I am this sem break. I want to know about your days, no matter the details.

I just want to go back to how we are before shits started falling apart on us.

But no, fuck no.

So many restrictions. So many unresolved things. So many conflicts.

You don’t know it yet but you’re the one pushing me away while it is just me hanging on whatever I can grasp on.

Fuck feelings. Fuck attachment. Fuck my heart.

I want to be an ice queen.

 

 

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The Things You Said

They said words are just words, that actions matter more than words.

I think they are a fool to think so.

Words inspired people to march to the battlefield. To fight for their King.

Words can bring people together, as Martin Luther King did when he was fighting for rights of minorities.

Words can transcend through generations and touched people’s hearts, as shown by the literature of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, where it is still being discussed today.

Words can bring forward a revolution, a change. Words are powerful tools.

The pen is mightier than a sword. For a pen can jot down words.

I believed in the ability of words. In the repercussions of it. In how much it can affect me and people around me.

It empowers me. It hurts me deeply. It is a double edge sword.

So words are just not words. It means something to me.

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< 1

In the past, there were quite a number of people who I thought I can’t imagine life without them. That I can’t live without them. Things would not be the same if they were gone from my life.

But they were gone. They did leave.

And I survived. I do live my life without them.


But then again, a part of me died each time and I’m becoming less than a whole. 

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Tonight is the night where I feel like dying because everything just seem so sad.

And its not a simple “Get over it” “You’ll be fine soon” “Try to cheer up”.

If you said those words to me, just know that I won’t talk to you in future when I’m going through the same thing. 

I’m not cutting you off, but I know enough that you can’t empathize with me and I don’t feel like trying to make you understand when I’m going through this.
I can’t be happy tonight. 

I have so much unhappy things in mind and so many unanswered questions that it affect today. 

It just happens and I’m sick of this as well.

Tonight really is the night where I feel as if, I’m really just a space in people lives and I don’t matter in your life.

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Updates

Quick Update on Brisbane:

There are 4 of us now travelling to Brisbane.

Possible of 5th and/or 6th person appearing and joining us.

Quick Update on Day:

Feeling bit empty these few days.

Uninstall Twitter and possibly Snapchat soon.

Gonna focus on what I love most for my mid-sem break in order to regain my footing.

Today (25/2) had been a good day cause of certain people I interacted with. Thank you.

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