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25/11/17

Out of sight.
Out of mind.

Not knowing,
not caring,
is better.

If knowing the truth hurt while knowing you’re avoiding to tell hurt too,
might as well just leave you be.

If I’m not needed anymore,
I don’t want to prove that I’m worth it again,
Cause I know I am.

The question now is,
what will you do?

I’m just putting a pause on everything with keeping myself busy with distractions.

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Indescribable

It’s heartbreaking when a friendship ends.
It doesn’t matter if the other person chooses to leave or it was your decision,
the spot is empty now,
with anguish,
with shattered hopes,
with nostalgia.

It’s so much more painful.
It’s messier and tearier.
It’s confusion and understanding mixed in a bowl filled with cereal letters spelling ‘fuck off’.

They were there for you,
and next, you found out that you were just an obligation to them,
or you’re taking too much on their emotional toll.
And they were gone.
Vice versa.

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Feeling wordy tonight, and always at the brink of exhaustion. Its 4 am now and should really sleep but gripped by this particular sentence (the last one) in my mind. 


Can you hear it?

Listen really carefully.
Focus on that faint rasping.
On that slight tugging on your heart.
The momentary silence.
Just your own heartbeat.

Can you hear it?

 

Can you see it?

That glow the person is giving out.
And everything surrounding that person seems to fade away.
The face is etched in you.
How the sunlight seems to make her eyes changes colour from hazel brown to golden yellow.
Blink again to appreciate your eyes are not fooling you.

Can you see it?

 

Can you feel it?

The walls that are crashing down this moment.
The waves that became rough at the shore.
The storms that are slowly manifesting into a typhoon.
And just as suddenly,
everything is calm.

Can you feel it?

 

Can you taste the melody of love that is brought to you?

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Lost.

She lost herself today.  Again.

She walked through the hallways,
with confidence in each of her steps,
for she likes the sound her heels made,
thump,
thump,
thump.

The same as her heartbeat.
Can people sense that she is actually just pretending?
She is worried her cover will be blown away.
She does not know where to go honestly.

She is lost.

She lost an essence of herself ever since that person leave.
She thought she didn’t give a piece of her to him, but she thought wrong.
His presence is sticking everywhere.
Songs, books, conversations, food, places, pictures, cars, roads, accessories.

So now,
her mind is just full of clutter.
Trying to undo everything that he destroys in his wake.
All things innocent and pure seem to reek of pain now.

She is lost.

She lost her peace. She can’t go on plastering a smile on her face and laughing away when she just cannot wait to get out of the crowds.
Out from the suffocating and discomfort.

Rapid breathing,
racing thoughts,
quickening pulse,
it’s all too much.

She is lost and she doesn’t know where to go now.
She can’t go back to retrieve pieces of her,
at the same time,
she can’t go front cause its the end of the road.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Uncategorized

Never Forget.

Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)

I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.

I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.

I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.

The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.

I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.

Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.

I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.


I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.

I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.

But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only. 

There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.

I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.

Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.

With lots of love,
Ehsan.

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