Just Ehsan Elaborating, Uncategorized

Never Forget.

Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)

I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.

I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.

I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.

The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.

I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.

Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.

I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.


I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.

I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.

But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only. 

There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.

I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.

Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.

With lots of love,
Ehsan.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

Finally.

I am struck with an epiphany this morning.

You no longer matter to me.

The heart that once tends to you,
that treasures you,
that worried for you,
is dead now.

I genuinely care about you once upon a time,
but now,
I can’t be bothered anymore.

And that is a good thing for me because I realize that I am able to move forward.

I always thought I get stuck in the past.

I was so blind to the fact that you weren’t worthy of my attention.

You only take, take and take, but you never give.
Even if you give, it was not sincere for there is a hidden agenda behind your “kindness”.

You really show me how twisted and scary people can be.

Thank you for your lesson.

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Hi darkness

The monster is back again.

The one that I tried to keep a leash on, because of how destructive it is to me and people around me.

It’s a culmination of all things annoyance and hurt.

I’m not happy.
I’m not sad either.
It’s just feeling empty like there is a big gaping hole in my heart. Maybe that is what happens when I keep giving pieces to people.

I’m left with nothing.

And when I am left with nothing, when people had taken away my hopes, my trust, my time, all my efforts, all I can think of now is to do the same.

I want someone to trust me that I am there for them and accepted their flaws, only for me to totally crush her with spiteful words that I don’t want her already.

I want someone who thinks of me as his close friend because we been talking and was there for each other in times of crisis and even though it had been a short 8 months, he truly believes we are forever, only for me to just cut him off without any explanation and leave him hanging.

I want someone who will defend me to a group of mutual friends and that no matter how badly I treated him with my actions, he will just accept it. He will always listen to me and when I am done talking with him, I just cut the conversation there. He will think I am worth his time, only for me to show him that he is a just a convenient option, and I can just toss him into the bin without any remorse.

I want someone who thinks highly of the friendship we had since primary school and that even though I have many social circles, he is still the one that I can trust with my “real self” and that even though we fight, we wouldn’t end the friendship, only for me to hang out with our friends without him and posting captions that they are important. Yes, that would totally crush him.

I just want to feel how it would be like to hurt someone emotionally. How it would be like to be a class A douchebag.

This raw self of mine rarely appears, because people can’t handle it. I felt like I am not myself for a few years already and at some moments, I can’t differentiate if I am being genuine or just protecting my reputation of a sweet kind person.


To be honest with you,
I wish you and she broke up.
I wish you keep hurting yourself.
I wish you stop talking about your significant others.
I’m glad to see you having trouble with your friends.
I couldn’t care less about your problems.
I don’t wish you happiness.

For several people in the past.


 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

I’m one year old!

Happy 1st Anniversary to this blog!

Special shout-out to Nick Chin, for being the one who pushed me to create this blog and I remember how he was the only reader for first few weeks and criticizing my posts.
“I don’t want to see ‘Old Treasures’ post, write something new!”

Another person to mention is CYC. Lmao, he’s legit the one who likes all my tweets and read my blog as well. He’s basically one of those three followers who like all my stuff.

So, a new look is required. I changed my theme a few days ago and so far, I like how clean it looks. I really love the fact that the categories and tags are clearly displayed. Not sure if you notice, but sometimes my tags are a continuation of my post.

I read a couple of my old posts and honestly, this blog is turning out more of a sanctuary for me to write. Most of my posts are poems (not sure if you can consider them as poems though) and writings. There are a few writings which I felt “This is trash, not good enough” and only one or two which really exceed my ability. The path to writing is infinite. You always move forward, never backward.


Behind each poem, there is an inspiration and usually, it is a personal experience. So thank you for those who taught me a lesson. Whether it is a pleasant or a hurtful one, I write to engrave those memories and heal my soul.

I hope to write happier poems in future however as of now, I can’t bear to write happy things.

Thank you all for reading and know that I love all of you. I wish your days filled with happiness.

 

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Anger

Anger is my childhood.

Whenever I tried to conjure up the first emotion I can remember from my childhood, its anger, and sadness.  Its not love.

Love was there. Was. It was there for a snippet of time before being overtaken by those two overwhelming emotions.

The anger hurled towards the cheating husband. The sadness of a crying wife.

Really, affairs are so common. Divorces are common. I’m aware of that now. If you cheated and change partners so many times in a relationship, what made you think your marriage will not be any different?

However, scratch deeper than the surface. You see a lot of children in need of counseling because they grew up with very fucked up emotions and experiences.

A friend mentioned before that children from fucked up families grew up to be resilient and strong. I rolled my eyes at that. Resilient? Strong? What a fuckload of bullshit.

Anger was the expression my mum used to us. She had a temper. To be honest, I blocked out most of my childhood memories. I remember my mum being angry all the time. I feel uneasy when she is around because the fear of getting scolded and being thrown hurtful remarks whenever I did something wrong is always that. That fear still carried today, even at the age of 21.

And when you’re shown anger as the reaction to almost everything, you will definitely be affected. I spent most of my teenage years being angry as well. I remember being annoyed at my friends over small matters. I had a temper as well.

Here’s the thing, I just can’t be at peace. I tried to change my behavior over time. It’s hard to undo years of reinforcement in you.

I am not blaming my mum for this. I accepted that it is part of her personality now. She is a single mum raising five kids on her own while her husband is off cheating somewhere and not paying a single cents for child support. How could you not get mad at that? I will always resent him for the rest of my life.

I still am trying to fix this. I treat my family and friends differently.

Its just, its so hard to explain.

Just today, my sister asked me “Soon Lee closed at 10 pm right?”. It was a simple question, but you want to know what I did? I replied, “Yes, but don’t shop too late.” There was a hint of annoyance. Because I was thinking if she shops late, she will trouble those workers cause they want to go back home early as well. My sister detected that annoyance (I’m telling you, our family is good at detecting these emotions) and she retorted back with “Look, I’m just asking, okay?”.

I dropped it there and then because I realize that I’m becoming this very ugly monster.

I want to say I’m getting better.

But tonight really fucked me up.

The negative vibe at my house disturbs my own path to a happier life?

Honestly, my number one fear is that I will pass this anger to my children or that I showed anger instead of love. Anger is my childhood and I am seeing how this is destroying myself, people around me, my siblings especially.

Then again, I’m prepared to cut off toxic people from my life, even if they are blood-related.

If doing so leads to a healthy mental health of mine, I can do that for my own happiness.

When/If you’re reading this, whether you’re my friend for 10 plus years or few months, please know that I appreciate you for being with me and reading this till the end. When/If you ever seen this ugly side of me emerging, please learn to accept my flaws.

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

I’m back yo.

Hello. Hi. Hey.

Yep, I know its been a while since I update this blog. There are some random writings (I think?) that appear here.

***went to read my most recent posts***

Okay, so the last one was a piece of some writings and I been writing less since April.

I was gonna say nothing interesting is happening in my life but now that I think about it, that’s not quite true? My ‘interesting’ is just hanging out with friends though. I still haven’t written a piece on a short weekend trip I had with my friends.

It’s funny how I wrote here that I find writing doesn’t heal me at that moment and I finally found strength here via my weakness. It’s pretty ironic. To think that he who caused so much pain once upon a time, made me lifted my fingers to write about him. Again.

All served as a lesson in life anyway.

I’m just back from a hangout and I felt happy.

It’s official, I’m back to writing guys. I found things to write about. My words are back.

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

Let me let you on a few secrets that genuine nice friends will never tell you about.

The thing about being there for someone is, it is tiring. When you knocked on our doors past midnight needing to talk about your problems, we are tired and want to curl under our blankets. However, we love you, so we will definitely welcome you with a big hug and a cup of hot Milo.

Don’t ask us if we are tired/sick of listening to the same shits you’re dealing with. Yes, we are, but we also know that you are still struggling, so no, we are not “sick of listening to you repeating the same shits”. In fact, we are probably raking our brains out on what more can we do to help you. We want to see you happy. Short and simple.

We do know when we are being used as a doormat. Trust us, we do. We just put on an act because (this might not make sense to you), those people who used us are really just lonely. They don’t have someone in their life like us, and we noticed that. So we listen. And we forgive. Then we forget. Thank you for warning us. It is because we have friends like you that we are able to do this.

Lastly, we actually admire you for trusting us. We admire you for showing your raw self to us, spilling the truths in hushed tones. The reason why is because we are actually more secretive than we let on. We have perfected our “I’m really fine” and laughter well so that you would not worried about us.

The thing about being there for you and knowing your problems is that, at the end of the day, we do not want to bother you with our stuff. I know, it’s stubborn and ironic of us. However, most of the time, we know what to do (just that we are in denial and need time) so really, that’s why we find it pointless to talk about it.

We experienced so much sadness that we do not want to see it on you. That is the main reason why we are there for you.

 

 

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