Just Ehsan Elaborating

Depression

Disclaimer: These are my own feelings/opinions/experiences/perceptions of depression and it might not accurately depict what and/or how depression is in the medical context. I have not been professionally diagnosed to have depression. 


Depression.

Its funny how I thought I have depression when I learned about it in Psychology and part of the reason why I even took Psychology was that I suspected I had depression (why do I keep feeling sad?)

American Psychiatric Association defined it as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.” Merriam-Webster has two definitions; (1) a state of feeling sad and (2) a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

Sadness is a big part of depression. Yes, that’s true. However, it is still a little bit more than that and this is where common misconception lies.

When I somehow knew I have depression (during A-Level), I kind of keep it to myself and just insist that I was being sad and it is normal to feel that way. I wasn’t really vocal about it because I don’t want to lead myself to believe I have depression? To put in simply, I was in denial and I myself felt like it doesn’t match well with my personality. I’m always the girl that is smiling and laughing loudly (plus getting mad/raging to my close friends).

Somehow, it just got worst from then on and now, I don’t really deny that I don’t have depression. I’m trying to include it as casually as ever when talking to my friends. I want people to talk more about it and get rid of the negative stigma attached to it (that we are crazy). I want people to understand better about depression.

I mentioned earlier that depression is a little bit more than just being sad.

It is like a creeping vine that slowly growing around your heart.
You know it is there and no matter how you cut it or trim it, there will still be vines.
You just can’t remove it.
Sometimes, the vines just grab ahold of your whole heart and you just can’t help it.
You can’t breathe. You’re overwhelmed with all these emotions that are suddenly awash and you just want to curl up and be sad.
Other days, the vines are not that bad. It leaves you alone.

What people don’t get is that I can be in a crowd and surrounded by friends, joking and laughing away when suddenly, the vines grab ahold of me and I started to feel this lump at my throat. My heart felt like it is being clenched and there is this heavy weight pulling it down. And I can still be smiling and laughing with all these discomforts happening inside me within seconds.

That is what happening now.

It was a pretty good day today until after dinner. I just struck by this feeling and can’t help feeling sad.

I want to stop writing about this now. Also, it’s not so bad tonight, at least I am still able to formulate my thoughts and write this post.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

For Me

Let this post be a reference for future me.
Let this post be immortalized that I am feeling better.
Let this post be a reminder to me that I am starting to accept the reality.

I am strong. I am pretty. I am worthy. I am blessed.

In the past few days, I have learned a few things.

I broke down so many times that I didn’t care about the venue or people. That was how tired I am. I just can’t put on a smile already. I felt that I was weak.
But as weak as I am, deep down in my heart, I know I will get over this. No matter how long I take, I know I will be better.

The surprising thing about not pretending is that I found that a lot of people care for me. And for that, I am blessed.
These people are some I just met, some I didn’t know would care, some that show me they care with their actions, by hugs, by crying for me as they have no words, and some that have been there for me all along.
Thank you.

Next.
I haven’t taken a selfie for months, and even if I do, I always took it multiple times, delete it and I don’t really smile cause I felt that it is ugly. And taking time off really helps, because, yesterday, I genuinely felt pretty about myself. Even with my scars. Even with my eyebags. I took it with one try. And I love my smile.

Next.
It is a faint feeling of acceptance, but it is there. I do not feel like I am a second choice or as a replacement anymore. I know you do care about me and that you appreciate me. I have stopped feeling that I don’t deserve your friendship and that I am not worthy to you. I am worthy. I am me. Please engrave this in your heart and mind, Ehsan.

Lastly,
When I was comforting you, I realize that it breaks my heart to see you sad. Another realization that hits me is that this is who I am. I am being honest with myself and it is not because of the pressure to hold my reputation of being the sweet girl. I come to accept that I do wish you happiness, even if it’s with him. And when I saw that you were happy on the last day of the show, I truly feel happy for you. Know that Envy is dying out.

If shits happen again in the future,
I will be alright.
I will be better.
I will grow stronger.
I will write to heal.

Love yourself,
Ehsan.

 

 

 

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Uncategorized

Never Forget.

Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)

I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.

I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.

I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.

The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.

I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.

Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.

I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.


I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.

I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.

But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only. 

There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.

I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.

Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.

With lots of love,
Ehsan.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

Finally.

I am struck with an epiphany this morning.

You no longer matter to me.

The heart that once tends to you,
that treasures you,
that worried for you,
is dead now.

I genuinely care about you once upon a time,
but now,
I can’t be bothered anymore.

And that is a good thing for me because I realize that I am able to move forward.

I always thought I get stuck in the past.

I was so blind to the fact that you weren’t worthy of my attention.

You only take, take and take, but you never give.
Even if you give, it was not sincere for there is a hidden agenda behind your “kindness”.

You really show me how twisted and scary people can be.

Thank you for your lesson.

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Hi darkness

The monster is back again.

The one that I tried to keep a leash on, because of how destructive it is to me and people around me.

It’s a culmination of all things annoyance and hurt.

I’m not happy.
I’m not sad either.
It’s just feeling empty like there is a big gaping hole in my heart. Maybe that is what happens when I keep giving pieces to people.

I’m left with nothing.

And when I am left with nothing, when people had taken away my hopes, my trust, my time, all my efforts, all I can think of now is to do the same.

I want someone to trust me that I am there for them and accepted their flaws, only for me to totally crush her with spiteful words that I don’t want her already.

I want someone who thinks of me as his close friend because we been talking and was there for each other in times of crisis and even though it had been a short 8 months, he truly believes we are forever, only for me to just cut him off without any explanation and leave him hanging.

I want someone who will defend me to a group of mutual friends and that no matter how badly I treated him with my actions, he will just accept it. He will always listen to me and when I am done talking with him, I just cut the conversation there. He will think I am worth his time, only for me to show him that he is a just a convenient option, and I can just toss him into the bin without any remorse.

I want someone who thinks highly of the friendship we had since primary school and that even though I have many social circles, he is still the one that I can trust with my “real self” and that even though we fight, we wouldn’t end the friendship, only for me to hang out with our friends without him and posting captions that they are important. Yes, that would totally crush him.

I just want to feel how it would be like to hurt someone emotionally. How it would be like to be a class A douchebag.

This raw self of mine rarely appears, because people can’t handle it. I felt like I am not myself for a few years already and at some moments, I can’t differentiate if I am being genuine or just protecting my reputation of a sweet kind person.


To be honest with you,
I wish you and she broke up.
I wish you keep hurting yourself.
I wish you stop talking about your significant others.
I’m glad to see you having trouble with your friends.
I couldn’t care less about your problems.
I don’t wish you happiness.

For several people in the past.


 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

I’m one year old!

Happy 1st Anniversary to this blog!

Special shout-out to Nick Chin, for being the one who pushed me to create this blog and I remember how he was the only reader for first few weeks and criticizing my posts.
“I don’t want to see ‘Old Treasures’ post, write something new!”

Another person to mention is CYC. Lmao, he’s legit the one who likes all my tweets and read my blog as well. He’s basically one of those three followers who like all my stuff.

So, a new look is required. I changed my theme a few days ago and so far, I like how clean it looks. I really love the fact that the categories and tags are clearly displayed. Not sure if you notice, but sometimes my tags are a continuation of my post.

I read a couple of my old posts and honestly, this blog is turning out more of a sanctuary for me to write. Most of my posts are poems (not sure if you can consider them as poems though) and writings. There are a few writings which I felt “This is trash, not good enough” and only one or two which really exceed my ability. The path to writing is infinite. You always move forward, never backward.


Behind each poem, there is an inspiration and usually, it is a personal experience. So thank you for those who taught me a lesson. Whether it is a pleasant or a hurtful one, I write to engrave those memories and heal my soul.

I hope to write happier poems in future however as of now, I can’t bear to write happy things.

Thank you all for reading and know that I love all of you. I wish your days filled with happiness.

 

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Anger

Anger is my childhood.

Whenever I tried to conjure up the first emotion I can remember from my childhood, its anger, and sadness.  Its not love.

Love was there. Was. It was there for a snippet of time before being overtaken by those two overwhelming emotions.

The anger hurled towards the cheating husband. The sadness of a crying wife.

Really, affairs are so common. Divorces are common. I’m aware of that now. If you cheated and change partners so many times in a relationship, what made you think your marriage will not be any different?

However, scratch deeper than the surface. You see a lot of children in need of counseling because they grew up with very fucked up emotions and experiences.

A friend mentioned before that children from fucked up families grew up to be resilient and strong. I rolled my eyes at that. Resilient? Strong? What a fuckload of bullshit.

Anger was the expression my mum used to us. She had a temper. To be honest, I blocked out most of my childhood memories. I remember my mum being angry all the time. I feel uneasy when she is around because the fear of getting scolded and being thrown hurtful remarks whenever I did something wrong is always that. That fear still carried today, even at the age of 21.

And when you’re shown anger as the reaction to almost everything, you will definitely be affected. I spent most of my teenage years being angry as well. I remember being annoyed at my friends over small matters. I had a temper as well.

Here’s the thing, I just can’t be at peace. I tried to change my behavior over time. It’s hard to undo years of reinforcement in you.

I am not blaming my mum for this. I accepted that it is part of her personality now. She is a single mum raising five kids on her own while her husband is off cheating somewhere and not paying a single cents for child support. How could you not get mad at that? I will always resent him for the rest of my life.

I still am trying to fix this. I treat my family and friends differently.

Its just, its so hard to explain.

Just today, my sister asked me “Soon Lee closed at 10 pm right?”. It was a simple question, but you want to know what I did? I replied, “Yes, but don’t shop too late.” There was a hint of annoyance. Because I was thinking if she shops late, she will trouble those workers cause they want to go back home early as well. My sister detected that annoyance (I’m telling you, our family is good at detecting these emotions) and she retorted back with “Look, I’m just asking, okay?”.

I dropped it there and then because I realize that I’m becoming this very ugly monster.

I want to say I’m getting better.

But tonight really fucked me up.

The negative vibe at my house disturbs my own path to a happier life?

Honestly, my number one fear is that I will pass this anger to my children or that I showed anger instead of love. Anger is my childhood and I am seeing how this is destroying myself, people around me, my siblings especially.

Then again, I’m prepared to cut off toxic people from my life, even if they are blood-related.

If doing so leads to a healthy mental health of mine, I can do that for my own happiness.

When/If you’re reading this, whether you’re my friend for 10 plus years or few months, please know that I appreciate you for being with me and reading this till the end. When/If you ever seen this ugly side of me emerging, please learn to accept my flaws.

 

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