Writings

Numbness

A friend spout hates and scolded me for not celebrating our friend’s bday.

He told me he hates me, how I’m selfish and that he doesn’t care about my feelings.

How I made someone my whole world and he want out of it.

Truth to be told,

that world is gone now.

What surprised me was how numb I was towards his remarks.

It was full of hurtful words and yet, I don’t really feel anything.

In fact, I don’t really feel much nowadays. 

I’m cutting off and hurting people left and right and I don’t feel a thing.

I’m too tired to care, maybe, or something really shuts me down now.

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Writings

Forget

I wish that forgetting you follows a logic algorithm. A cause and effect, where each action I take, somehow increase the forgetfulness.

That with each shot of Vodka I took, I can drink you out of my system,

With each puff of my cigarettes, I can memorize scents other than yours.

And that everytime I’m high, I can forget the stabbing pain in my heart.

Every laughter I had with my friends, those belly-aching moments made my life seems bearable.

Knowing new people and flirting with other boys.

Going to a place where we’re supposed to go with another friend in order to erase the broken arrangement.

Honestly, I wish it’s all this simple.

But its not. Its very hard. You really leave a stain on my white clothes.

 

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Uncategorized

25/11/17

Out of sight.
Out of mind.

Not knowing,
not caring,
is better.

If knowing the truth hurt while knowing you’re avoiding to tell hurt too,
might as well just leave you be.

If I’m not needed anymore,
I don’t want to prove that I’m worth it again,
Cause I know I am.

The question now is,
what will you do?

I’m just putting a pause on everything with keeping myself busy with distractions.

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Uncategorized

Indescribable

It’s heartbreaking when a friendship ends.
It doesn’t matter if the other person chooses to leave or it was your decision,
the spot is empty now,
with anguish,
with shattered hopes,
with nostalgia.

It’s so much more painful.
It’s messier and tearier.
It’s confusion and understanding mixed in a bowl filled with cereal letters spelling ‘fuck off’.

They were there for you,
and next, you found out that you were just an obligation to them,
or you’re taking too much on their emotional toll.
And they were gone.
Vice versa.

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Thoughts, Writings

Vase

I am broken beyond repair.

Like a vase that been smashed into pieces,
With the spill of water
and remnants of flowers
on the floor.

My broken shards promising pain to people who tried to touch it,
cuts forming and blood flowing on their fingers.
Shunning them out.

Let me be.
Don’t fix me cause I don’t want you hurt.
Don’t fix me if you are going to give up halfway.

Approach me only,
if you have the patience to glue each tiny pieces of me,
into a complete vase.

If you don’t, please just leave me be.

I prefer to have my fingertips bleeding
from piecing myself together,
painstakingly,
little by little.


Turning pain into words and surprisingly, I like this piece. I guess that is one good outcome. Still improving my writing. In a dark place right now but no worries, the Chinese blood in me is still able to study for my exams next week. Even if I cried or moody as fuck, it seems like my brain can still manage to do all that while studying and writing notes. I’m baffled by it as well.

If you are in a dark place (on however you define it), I wish for you to see the light soon and for your suffering to end as well. I truly wish you to find happiness.

Lots of love,
Ehsan

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Writings

Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Memories of yesterday
keep resurfacing randomly today,
in the form of a smile and chuckle.

Infused with joy through my veins,
the warmness of happiness spreading throughout,
as I remembered the funny forgotten conversations we had.

How perfect you look under that lighting,
I was transfixed by you,
that I forgot how to breathe,
and that it is impolite to stare too long.

The way our fingers laced,
the tease in your eyes,
the gentle pats.

This moment will last forever.
Nothing, and I meant everything, can corrupt this precious memory.

I fail to remember any sad songs yesterday as Ed Sheeran’s Perfect keep replaying in my head throughout the day.

I honestly don’t deserve you :>

 

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