Thoughts

For Aliah

In the short amount of time that we had known each other, I see enough that you are one of the bravest, kind, and independent young woman. I really do not have anything bad to say to you.

I don’t care if you don’t believe this yourself. But I strongly do and this is my view on you.

You are kind because when I told you the picture bothers me in such a harsh tone towards you, know that I had no intentions of hiding that jealousy and deep down, I probably know that you will feel bad. And you did, when honestly, it really is not your fault (its my fking emotions that play the part to blame).  I realize that I hurt you and I wish a thousand times I can take back what I said. But what’s done is done.

You are independent because you take care of your own finances and you take care of your family. I honestly admire this part of you. You can’t see it, but you have the ability to stand up after being knocked down by so many things that life throw at you.

Lastly, you are brave because, despite all your fears, you choose to test the water with him. I know that you know you have a chance of getting hurt, but you are still taking this risk, you are risking your heart by putting in on a plate and that is brave.

Thank you for your compliments on me, but you have qualities that are worthy too. This is for you. This is for you to remember that you don’t have to be anyone but just yourself.

YOU ARE PRECIOUS.

All my love,
Ehsan

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Uncategorized

Never Forget.

Just a quick life update because I can ‘feel’ myself getting bombarded with assignments in the upcoming days (2 due this Friday and progress is 2% as of today, Monday)

I don’t really remember the exact dates but I was feeling very overwhelmed last few weeks, and I was toxic, mainly to a specific person, and especially myself.

I fell off the wagon on my self-love journey. I relapsed back into self-harm for 2 days before I decided to stop and put the scissors away.

I was broken. Mentally at first, then physically.
I felt my heart breaking into pieces.
I felt the skin peeling from my bones.
I felt my energy slowly draining away as if my soul is leaving.
Then, those sleepless nights. And the uneven temperature of my body.

The last time I was this mentally and physically exhausted was about 3 years ago.

I started to tweet about those times where I remember I was happy. There was not even a hint of sadness in those times, it was just pure joy.

Never mind that someone doesn’t care. Never mind that I might not be friends anymore with some of the people I shared that happiness with. At that moment, I needed something to heal myself and truly, a magical thing happened.

I got better. I laughed thinking back to those days when I was scrolling through those pictures. I feel that tingly sensation in my heart and I smile. I thank God for feeling happy again.


I might not be the best person to say this, but this is from my own experience.

I had been through these type of situations more than I can count. Some days, it is just minor. Some days, it is major and I just want to lie on the bed all day.

But you cannot. The only one that is able to pull through this is you and yourself only. The only one that is able to laugh again after something sad is you and yourself only. 

There are people and friends who said they will be there for you, and sometimes, they will. Other times, they will not. When you are crying yourself at 2 am in the bathroom, let it flow and just take as long as you need. Then, you have to pick yourself up after that. You have to wipe your tears away and wash your face. I know it is very hard to do so, but you just have to do it for yourself.

I always tell myself that I will get through this, no matter how long I need to take. Religion-wise, I always tell God to ease my pain and He has assured us twice in the Quran that with pain, there will be ease.

Trust in yourself. Trust in God. There is a fighter in each of us.

With lots of love,
Ehsan.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Writings

Finally.

I am struck with an epiphany this morning.

You no longer matter to me.

The heart that once tends to you,
that treasures you,
that worried for you,
is dead now.

I genuinely care about you once upon a time,
but now,
I can’t be bothered anymore.

And that is a good thing for me because I realize that I am able to move forward.

I always thought I get stuck in the past.

I was so blind to the fact that you weren’t worthy of my attention.

You only take, take and take, but you never give.
Even if you give, it was not sincere for there is a hidden agenda behind your “kindness”.

You really show me how twisted and scary people can be.

Thank you for your lesson.

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Thoughts

Hi darkness

The monster is back again.

The one that I tried to keep a leash on, because of how destructive it is to me and people around me.

It’s a culmination of all things annoyance and hurt.

I’m not happy.
I’m not sad either.
It’s just feeling empty like there is a big gaping hole in my heart. Maybe that is what happens when I keep giving pieces to people.

I’m left with nothing.

And when I am left with nothing, when people had taken away my hopes, my trust, my time, all my efforts, all I can think of now is to do the same.

I want someone to trust me that I am there for them and accepted their flaws, only for me to totally crush her with spiteful words that I don’t want her already.

I want someone who thinks of me as his close friend because we been talking and was there for each other in times of crisis and even though it had been a short 8 months, he truly believes we are forever, only for me to just cut him off without any explanation and leave him hanging.

I want someone who will defend me to a group of mutual friends and that no matter how badly I treated him with my actions, he will just accept it. He will always listen to me and when I am done talking with him, I just cut the conversation there. He will think I am worth his time, only for me to show him that he is a just a convenient option, and I can just toss him into the bin without any remorse.

I want someone who thinks highly of the friendship we had since primary school and that even though I have many social circles, he is still the one that I can trust with my “real self” and that even though we fight, we wouldn’t end the friendship, only for me to hang out with our friends without him and posting captions that they are important. Yes, that would totally crush him.

I just want to feel how it would be like to hurt someone emotionally. How it would be like to be a class A douchebag.

This raw self of mine rarely appears, because people can’t handle it. I felt like I am not myself for a few years already and at some moments, I can’t differentiate if I am being genuine or just protecting my reputation of a sweet kind person.


To be honest with you,
I wish you and she broke up.
I wish you keep hurting yourself.
I wish you stop talking about your significant others.
I’m glad to see you having trouble with your friends.
I couldn’t care less about your problems.
I don’t wish you happiness.

For several people in the past.


 

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Uncategorized

Elsa

So so soooo fucking frustrating.

All this pent-up feelings and words and thoughts in my mind.

I really just want to shout at the top of my lungs to your sickeningly sweet face,

” I FUCKING MISS YOU. “

Uggghhhhhhh.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

There so much I want to talk about. I want to talk about my day. I want to tell you about the cute guy I saw on the street. I want to talk about this pretty transgender that I found in IG. I want to rant about how lazy I am this sem break. I want to know about your days, no matter the details.

I just want to go back to how we are before shits started falling apart on us.

But no, fuck no.

So many restrictions. So many unresolved things. So many conflicts.

You don’t know it yet but you’re the one pushing me away while it is just me hanging on whatever I can grasp on.

Fuck feelings. Fuck attachment. Fuck my heart.

I want to be an ice queen.

 

 

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Writings

Stumbled on this unfinished writing that was hidden behind some notes. No dates, no time, and frankly, just feeling how tired I must have been from this poem.


 

I just genuinely want to be happy again.

I lost all motivation to do work today.

I don’t know. I’m just tired.

They said induced smiling trick your body into thinking you’re happy.

It does, but only for a second.

I don’t even have the energy to


 

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Writings

Here I Am

Here is me laying my heart on a plate for you,

but the sight of wounds and scars displeases you,

hence you rejected it.

 

So here I am again,

with black smoke filling my lungs,

with cuttings engraved on the skin,

with my bones breaking,

but the sight of me hurting myself anger you,

hence you rejected it.

 

So here I am again,

offering you my precious tongue that spurns words of mine,

my hands to write these poems,

but you didn’t share the same sentiment as me,

hence you rejected it.

 

So here I am again,

for the last time,

saying goodbye to you,

and the world.

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