Writings

Polaroid Photo

I moved to a new place,
In order to forget bout you.

But you’re still lingering behind,
Just like the Polaroid photo of us that I carry around.

Sometimes I think if I made the wrong decision,
When I think about how toxic it was becoming, my head said its the right choice to cut you off,

But the heart is fragile yet stubborn.

Its honestly really over isn’t it?
When you didn’t send me off to the airport,
That’s when I knew it really is over between us.

So why am I still crying over you,
When I was the one who ends it in the first place?

I really miss you,
But I can’t go back to the way it used to be.

~I had too much to drink~

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

Conversation

WP Daily Prompt: Conversation

When two person communicates to send a message to each other, but often times, it seems to be one person sending a message only and the other exists to just listen.

2018 tidbits of conversation so far:

  • “Fuck her.”
  • “Stop victimizing yourself.”
  • “She is so pretentious.”
  • “Don’t you think their conversation is degrading?”
  • “I love you too.”
  • “Don’t tell them.”
  • “I chose her.” 
  • “You need to stop apologizing for your feelings.”
  • “Don’t act, I know you want this.”
  • “Bitch, don’t start crying.”
  • “Wow, I didn’t know that you’re pretty wild.” 
  • “Only now you know how good we are.”
  • “Happy New Year! I miss you so much.”
  • “I don’t remember doing this.”


Hello peeps.

Happy New Year! I hope life, in general, will treat you right in 2018. Despite all the bad things that happened to me, 2017 was a good year to me.

I’m in a bit of a standstill now. Today prompt made me thought back to a conversation I had in 2017 and to be honest, it made me feel shitty that I was going nowhere. It seems like my efforts are futile.

However, going to start a new chapter in my life and frankly, quite excited for it. I’m going to do a semester of studying abroad and can’t wait to leave.

I am still a lost person trying my best to find a balance between the chaos of my emotions.

Until then, I’m going to just heal by myself.

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30/12/17

9 am:

I got reminded of your laugh today and it was stuck in my brain for the whole day.

12 pm:

I was remembering those rides around Bandar.

10.45 pm:

I still hated your psychotic ex that you told me about for scarring you.

1.30 am:

Laying on my bed, Crying and swallowing my pain. Thinking of how easy you are in tossing me and it just hurts more that I just wish for me to end my pain permanently. Its too torturing to just keep living.

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Hmm..whatever

I hope you and her broke up to be honest.

I don’t really feel bad saying or thinking that, I lost the ability to empathize with people nowadays. I don’t feel sad anymore.

I don’t hope her to be affected, yea, part of me still resent her but she’s a better person than you.

I more to just wanting to see you crash and burn emotionally.

Inflicting the same pain as you inflicted on me.

May you suffer as I suffer.

And for your happiness to be short-lived.

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Writings

Numbness

A friend spout hates and scolded me for not celebrating our friend’s bday.

He told me he hates me, how I’m selfish and that he doesn’t care about my feelings.

How I made someone my whole world and he want out of it.

Truth to be told,

that world is gone now.

What surprised me was how numb I was towards his remarks.

It was full of hurtful words and yet, I don’t really feel anything.

In fact, I don’t really feel much nowadays. 

I’m cutting off and hurting people left and right and I don’t feel a thing.

I’m too tired to care, maybe, or something really shuts me down now.

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Writings

Forget

I wish that forgetting you follows a logic algorithm. A cause and effect, where each action I take, somehow increase the forgetfulness.

That with each shot of Vodka I took, I can drink you out of my system,

With each puff of my cigarettes, I can memorize scents other than yours.

And that everytime I’m high, I can forget the stabbing pain in my heart.

Every laughter I had with my friends, those belly-aching moments made my life seems bearable.

Knowing new people and flirting with other boys.

Going to a place where we’re supposed to go with another friend in order to erase the broken arrangement.

Honestly, I wish it’s all this simple.

But its not. Its very hard. You really leave a stain on my white clothes.

 

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25/11/17

Out of sight.
Out of mind.

Not knowing,
not caring,
is better.

If knowing the truth hurt while knowing you’re avoiding to tell hurt too,
might as well just leave you be.

If I’m not needed anymore,
I don’t want to prove that I’m worth it again,
Cause I know I am.

The question now is,
what will you do?

I’m just putting a pause on everything with keeping myself busy with distractions.

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