This is an open letter of some sorts to a best friend of mine.
Not an open letter of apology, because there is nothing to apologise for.
It is probably time for me to realise that our priorities are different now.
Gawd, I love you so much as a friend that writing this is really hurting me.
I felt like Shawn Mendes’s Mercy convey how I felt at this moment.
“Please have mercy on me, take it easy on my heart.
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me, you keep tearing me apart”
Because the truth is, I do not want this to just end. A friendship breakup is so much more painful for me to handle than a relationship.
I can’t seem to accept that this is really ending. My tearful eyes can’t seem to register what I am reading right now on my screen.
The Mercy song is on repeat now. I’m blasting my headphones because I just want to shut off from the world right now.
Googling “how to let go of a friend you love” is honestly not what I imagining myself to do on this day.
Your social media are always a platform for you to showcase who is important for you and I are honestly very tired of feeling like it’s okay if I am not there. All those stuff were never important for me.
But it really is just the fact that you are hanging out with people who we used to hang with that I’m really. I’m honestly.
I know I should not be possessive I guess? I realise that you have other friends too but those people you are hanging out with are my friends too.
We talked about that before. I talked about this before with other friends and I know it is not because I am not enough. It’s not because of me.
That’s the thing, I do think it is because of me. I can never think it’s your fault or you are to take the blame.
You are worth much more than that that I won’t pull you down for some petty ass move of dissing you here.
You are good. You are wonderful. You are someone who I will treasure very much and I will always cry for your sadness.
However, as much as that, I feel like I need to let go of this envy of me towards you because I am hurting. I am hurting so much that my throat hurts. It’s a stab to my heart kind of hurt. I can’t describe it.
Maybe this is the easy way out, ending it because I am hurting, but as I said before, I cannot stand in the way of your happiness. In the same way, I cannot let this to affect my own happiness.
I know I will take a long time to get over this, maybe I won’t ever. Maybe I will. I don’t know. But the tears that keep falling, the hurt in my throat and this broken heart are evidence that I can never be happy.
If you can, please wait till I am in a happy place. Only then, perhaps, we can start over?