Writings

An Open Letter To My Best Friend

This is an open letter of some sorts to a best friend of mine. 

Not an open letter of apology, because there is nothing to apologise for. 

It is probably time for me to realise that our priorities are different now.

Gawd, I love you so much as a friend that writing this is really hurting me. 

I felt like Shawn Mendes’s Mercy convey how I felt at this moment.

“Please have mercy on me, take it easy on my heart.
Even though you don’t mean to hurt me, you keep tearing me apart”

Because the truth is, I do not want this to just end. A friendship breakup is so much more painful for me to handle than a relationship. 

I can’t seem to accept that this is really ending. My tearful eyes can’t seem to register what I am reading right now on my screen. 

The Mercy song is on repeat now. I’m blasting my headphones because I just want to shut off from the world right now. 

Googling “how to let go of a friend you love” is honestly not what I imagining myself to do on this day. 

Your social media are always a platform for you to showcase who is important for you and I are honestly very tired of feeling like it’s okay if I am not there. All those stuff were never important for me. 

But it really is just the fact that you are hanging out with people who we used to hang with that I’m really. I’m honestly. 

I know I should not be possessive I guess? I realise that you have other friends too but those people you are hanging out with are my friends too. 

We talked about that before. I talked about this before with other friends and I know it is not because I am not enough. It’s not because of me. 

That’s the thing, I do think it is because of me. I can never think it’s your fault or you are to take the blame. 

You are worth much more than that that I won’t pull you down for some petty ass move of dissing you here. 

You are good. You are wonderful. You are someone who I will treasure very much and I will always cry for your sadness. 

However, as much as that, I feel like I need to let go of this envy of me towards you because I am hurting. I am hurting so much that my throat hurts. It’s a stab to my heart kind of hurt. I can’t describe it. 

Maybe this is the easy way out, ending it because I am hurting, but as I said before, I cannot stand in the way of your happiness. In the same way, I cannot let this to affect my own happiness. 

I know I will take a long time to get over this, maybe I won’t ever. Maybe I will. I don’t know. But the tears that keep falling, the hurt in my throat and this broken heart are evidence that I can never be happy.   

If you can, please wait till I am in a happy place. Only then, perhaps, we can start over? 

 

 

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Just Ehsan Elaborating, Monthly Last Post

Long Overdue Debt

Alright, it is time to get my shit together. As mentioned from a previous post some weeks ago, I actually had a lot to update. These are posts that I owned you; two 2016 year end posts, 2017 hopes, December end of month plus updates to Brisbane.

First of all, I forgot what shits I was thinking of writing for the two 2016 year end post (no, I did remember, one would be on being grateful and another on the 2016 year end conclusions) but honestly, the timing just fked up now and I will just combine these with my 2017 hopes.

December end of month plus updates to Brisbane is really just a brief thing. I got my tickets to Brisbane already. I will be traveling for 10 days, including that long stopover I will be making in Singapore. Another thing is, so far, I have two travel companions (which are my close friends) that are following me so I’m excited for that. Okie, that’s done.

Moving on to serious business, my 2017 hopes. Well, okie, let me be very honest with you. The start of 2017, I was filled with all these hopes that I will be a better friend, going to work on my body more (like exercise, eat clean), getting rid of negative people but guess what, IT’S A BIG FUCKING NO FOR ME.

One month has not passed yet and I had already

  1. Hurt not just one, but two dear friends of mine with my lack of communications and my fucking temper.
  2. I have not even jog seriously yet
  3. I keep letting these habits of falling into people’s trap of sweet talk and a naivety that they will be better.

So yea, welp, what a fucking good start for 2017, am I right?

If you noticed, I’m using a lot of swear words because this is how I normally speak. Another thing is, I’m going to start talking in this blog as if I’m talking to myself so more swear words to come!

However, I’m really a positive person deep inside and the start of 2017 is not that bad. I met some new friends that kinda clicked well with me and I actually starting to love two of my business modules. I’m starting to wear what I want without caring about the judgment from strangers, friends and family members (they can be the harshest one of all). I’m eating more vegetables, fruits, and less rice. I solved conflicts with those people who I had hurt and just trying to filter out some people out of my life.

So yea, it really is not all that bad. I am having a good week so far and it is nice. Life, at this moment, is a bit unfulfilling but it is also good.

It is also Chinese New Year so it is another chance for us to say “New Year, New Me” those kinds of shits, AHAHAHHA. Happy Chinese New Year, 新年快乐,恭喜发财! 🙂

Alright, that is all from me. Thank you for following me so far and those endless supports.

This is another long overdue thing too, but please check out my friends’ blogs! (YASS, PLURAL)

https://seewaisee.wordpress.com/

https://danncedy.wordpress.com/

Xx,
Ehsan.

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Writings

“You know what, you are selfish. You claim that if they are happy, you will be happy. Spare me that bullshit. I can see it so clearly that you don’t feel that way. You don’t care a shitass about their happiness.You hate the fact that they are content without you. Without you, being there. Their life is moving forward without you and there is nothing, nothing, you can do about it. Move the fuck on.” He spits those words right out of his mouth.

When you love something so precious, you do not realise that you’re gripping it tightly that you end up hurting it.

I look at my hands, opening and closing them repeatedly, thinking how many people I have crushed with my possessiveness, I guess? Is it, though?

Was he right? Am I wrong?

There’s no use questioning into these things right? I chuckled.

The very same people who said they be there for me are the same people who hurt me deeply. Again and again.

Putting that music to the blast won’t help you at all. Neither is the itch you had for cigars, alcohol or any of that dumb shit you’re thinking of doing.

“How did it come to these?” In your mind, you’re a simple girl with simple needs.

“Fk that.” His sudden cursing woke you up from your trance. He looked at you with misty eyes, as if his world compose of you only and that you are the only thing he needs. You suddenly find comfort in that.

You laugh. “Yea, fk that” Smiling at him, you reach your hand out and touched his cheek gently. And ever so usual, you can taste the apologies for the harsh words he said just now in his kisses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Beast

It came.

Stealthily, silently, creeping from behind you and finally, it claws onto you.

Somehow, you’re aware of it existence but you play a game of taming it.

You tried to train this beast. Your efforts paid off most of the time, but it also means that some are futile.

“O creature, why have you seek me after all this time?” you asked as you fell on your knees. If history were to repeat itself, you knew that it will not forsake you but leave you to heal and strike you again at your most vulnerable state.

It never replied your question as it slowly consumes bits of your soul, tainting it with dark patches along the way.

Deep down, you know what this beast it. It is what you had suspected all along.

A manifestation of hate, pride, lust, misery and all things ugly that exist within mankind. It has existed since the first betrayal by Adam and Eve towards God. From then on, it grows.

It had taken root in every human being.

It is a part of you.

You cannot get rid of it, for this is the curse that bestows upon humans.

Only you can fight your own demons.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

InAmEx

I never thought of myself as an extrovert person, where people associated with that term seem to have boundless energy and well-liked by anyone, nor am I an introvert person, who only want to spend their time alone.

Ambivert seems to be a mixture of both but let’s not label ourselves with all these. Just called it spectrum instead. This is what I mean, taken from http://www.scienceofpeople.com/2014/12/ambivert-extrovert-introvert/

quest-001-1024x576

I might be a little on the left or right side of the ambivert, it all depends on the person/situations I will be.

Today, I’m starting my 2nd year at university and I met some new people from my Business Faculty. I realised that I will try to be more outgoing when in that sort of situation. It is only a bit overwhelming but nothing that I can’t handle.
I also talked to a girl beside me at my 4.30 pm class.

At the end of the day, I got tired from exerting all this energy so rejected a dinner. Now, as I’m typing it, I find comfort in being on my own and just “recharging” my energy. I find solace when I’m just utterly alone and don’t have to do interaction (sometimes).

Okie, I know that I owned quite a lot of posts on this blog (two 2016 year end posts, 2017 hopes, December end of month plus updates to Brisbane)  no promises but I will get back to writing them soon. AHAHHA, might just combine everything into one long post!

Ciao, xx.

 

 

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