I can feel my confidence fleeting at the moment.
It’s harboring between two ends of emotions, self-bashing and self-assuring.
I’m no stranger to self-bashing. It’s ugly, it’s harmful and sometimes, it’s very hard for it to go away. That voice that seem to talk down whatever efforts you are doing. The devil’s whisper is in all of us.
Then you have the angel’s side. Fighting you on, supporting you. It’s a cliché example but it helps.
The doubt is growing in my everyday and I do not know when did the seed start to sprout. Perhaps its flourish because most of the time, I let the devil win. I did not control it as frequent as I wanted to?
As much as I am inspired by creative writers and bloggers that I followed, I am also intimidated. Jealous perhaps? I never really associate myself as a writer because fuck no, there are tons of others writer with better vocabularies and grammars that manage to captured the essence of what they want to write. They are able to convey emotions in such a way. They are the ones who are able to describe the feelings that most of us cannot. Those writers struck a chord in you, in me, in all of us.
So now, I’m just left with this thinking that what am I even doing here? I feel like I’m not even worthy of writing stuff or whatever posts I had written.
HOWEVER, BEFORE YOU GO LIKE “Oh, nah, Ehsan, don’t think that way etc etc etc” I’m still clinging on to my pride or whatever that I am worthy, that my words are not rubbish at all and that friends read my post before. Lol.
I’m tired honestly, physically tired. It’s like 6.13 am and I should be sleeping 3 hours ago. Just going to sleep away all this thoughts I guess, but they definitely reappear again. Gawd, it was supposed to be an update of how much I been savings so far for my Brisbane trip
BRISBANE SAVINGS SO FAR: $790
Have a good day, yall.