Thoughts

Apologies

December is honestly the month of a slump for me. There are definitely some highs, not just being the lazy ass doughnut that I usually am.

There are three more days till 2017 ends and I want to take this opportunity for some self-reflection. I will be writing in themes and today, apologies are needed. They are long overdue.

First and foremost, I apologize to all of my readers which consist of my friends and strangers for not posting anything for a few days now and depriving them the pleasure of reading my awesome blog.

Apologies to my family for my bad moments that made me said very harsh words. I’m sorry for my short fuse temper and it will always be something for me to work on.

There are a few friends in my mind that I felt I owed it to them for this.

Apologies to my friends. I know that some of you had gotten hurt before, either by my inconsiderate actions and/or words and I cannot promise that I will not do it again unless you tell me. Sometimes, it is just the way I am, it is part of my personality and we know that changing a part of you is easier said than done.

To those who once hold a dear place in me, I apologize for pushing you away and not keeping in touch. There are some who I completely cut off, and the same thing happened to me, to be honest, I don’t bear any ills. I am only sorry that the friendship was not meant to be.

I am a bitch and no angel myself, I vent my frustration of some of my friends on other people instead of talking to them because they would not understand it. I apologize for not trusting you enough for that and in a way, I’m a two-faced bitch daughter of a wonderful mum. I also apologize that sometimes you take the fall for my actions even though it is completely my decisions and whatnot.

Lastly, apologies for myself. I’m sorry that I had let some people affect and made me doubt my self-worth. Sorry that I was too blind to see that they were using me and not that they needed my support. Sorry that I wasn’t working hard enough for my first semester that it had a cascading effect.

Those bad choices that you knew were wrong but you do it anyways, yea, no regrets on that actually 😛

What are some of the things that you would like to apologize for before 2016 ends?

Xx

 

 

 

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Writings

“Why did you do it?”

It was raining heavily that night. She was waiting for me at my front door, dripping wet from the rain as she didn’t have an umbrella. It was like a scene straight from a rom-com (romantic comedy) movie, only, there’s no comedy in her as I handed her a cup of hot chocolate.

She lowered her gaze to the cup of hot chocolate and said with a heavy sigh, “Because he is the type that girls marry to and not date.”

“What do you mean? There’s no such nonsense.”

“Yes, there is. He is committed and that make him a precious gem. The way I am now, I’m just no good for him.” I wasn’t sure if it were tears or her wet hair that are dripping down her cheeks.

“You know what, you’re full of shits right now. You should have just held onto him until you become whatever you think you have to,” I grumbled. She always always does this. Drop everything and just leave.

“Maybe, maybe I should have done that. However, I can’t deny him the opportunity of finding the type of girls that he would marry. I am just not that type yet. I know it from the deepest of my soul. I am just looking to date for now. I am honestly just scared.” She looked at me and to be honest, I don’t see any fear in her eyes, it was determination. Why can’t she see this in herself?

“But you love him, didn’t you? All those whispers and words mean nothing to you now? I know they do, I know you were really into him, I just thought you would take a leap of faith with him.”

“I am touched by his love. I just think that the both of us are just a passing tide in each other life. Who knows, we might meet in future, we might not. But definitely not now, not in this current state, I’m just not ready yet.”

“Coward,” I said with a sense of anger but also pity for her.

She laughed at that, with a tinge of sadness behind it. “I know.”

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Writings

Moody

WP Daily Prompt: Moody

I used to describe myself as a moody person in the past, but I come to terms that it’s a normal emotion/description, everyone can get moody. The differences lie in how long you will be moody for and also the stimulus that triggers your moodiness.

I kinda experienced and witness a number of things this past couple of days that are related to moodiness. I won’t divulge on those things as I believed that I am somehow restricted to, it is not my place to say their stuff w/o permission.

My experience was that I became moody cause I was reminded of the past. I was moody because I let myself to be bullied like that and somehow, all the emotions that I kept hidden under the rug for these individuals in my life were about to be let out in a fury. It’s not really a pleasant emotion, you can literally feel the ripple effect of the bubbles on the top of your chest. I almost made a mistake of unleashing it out on the wrong person.
Thank God I did not.

Personally, I think a person’s patience level is related to his/her moodiness.

Hmm…….
I need to work on my patience.

[Apologies for a sudden end, but this is the way I intended for.]

 

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Uncategorized

Assurance

Sometimes, you only need just one person’s assurance to get your confidence up. I’m not really talking about getting people to compliment you, it is more than that. It takes more than a “No, gurl you look so pretty today”. I’m also not talking about appearances in context (cause fk the world, you’re beautiful even with ten pimples on your face), I’m referring to skills that you have.

We have been bombarded with questions such as “What are your hobbies?”, “What do you like to do in free time?”, “What are you good at?” in our life. From writing ‘About Me’ composition in primary school to completing your profile in social media networks, our answers seem to vary too at different stages of our life.

I am a baker. Just a self-taught one. I can make simple stuff, not complicated(?) pastry. My level is by no means a pro. I mostly made cakes, brownies and cookies for social gatherings or simply when I felt like it.

At one point in my life, I can’t call myself a baker. Because I have to keep fucking comparing myself to others, that’s why. I admired their skills mostly and thought “wow, I can’t even do that, how could I call myself a baker?” Honestly, I was ashamed. I felt like all my families and friends’ praises for my desserts are wasted on me.

Because you see, my cakes are very simple. I don’t waste time with decorations. It’s a hassle. It’s always a naked cake and some filling in the middle. Sometimes, I frost the whole cake or covered it chocolate ganache. Brownies are my favourite to make because they are easy and so delicious to eat. I used to make it a lot during my A-Level times. I do not remember but I always bring some to school and share with friends.

Fast forward to the present where I am now a university student. This happened around October. I remembered I was eating a cake with my French Club’s people because it was someone birthday and I commented: “Oh, I should really get back to baking.”

My friend, GOB, who I knew since A-Levels said like “Yea, you should you know. I remembered where you used to bring your cakes to school and we ate it together with them (our mutual friends).”

At that moment, I was really touched by what GOB said that I started shedding tears and she’s just like “What, why you are you crying?” AHAHAH Legit a puzzled face.

I hope she knows that she reignite the confidence in me c:

Sometimes, we might doubt our skills because of all those comparisons we made and felt that these skills don’t make you “you” anymore. It is nice to be reassured of it by your family, friends or strangers even, however, I’m going to take matters into my own hands. Instead of comparing, I will improve my baking skills and try new things.

Hugs, xx.

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Monthly Last Post

Messed Up 2.0

I can feel my confidence fleeting at the moment.

It’s harboring between two ends of emotions, self-bashing and self-assuring.

I’m no stranger to self-bashing. It’s ugly, it’s harmful and sometimes, it’s very hard for it to go away. That voice that seem to talk down whatever efforts you are doing. The devil’s whisper is in all of us.

Then you have the angel’s side. Fighting you on, supporting you. It’s a cliché example but it helps.

The doubt is growing in my everyday and I do not know when did the seed start to sprout. Perhaps its flourish because most of the time, I let the devil win. I did not control it as frequent as I wanted to?

As much as I am inspired by creative writers and bloggers that I followed, I am also intimidated. Jealous perhaps? I never really associate myself as a writer because fuck no, there are tons of others writer with better vocabularies and grammars that manage to captured the essence of what they want to write. They are able to convey emotions in such a way. They are the ones who are able to describe the feelings that most of us cannot. Those writers struck a chord in you, in me, in all of us.

So now, I’m just left with this thinking that what am I even doing here? I feel like I’m not even worthy of writing stuff or whatever posts I had written.

HOWEVER, BEFORE YOU GO LIKE “Oh, nah, Ehsan, don’t think that way etc etc etc” I’m still clinging on to my pride or whatever that I am worthy, that my words are not rubbish at all and that friends read my post before. Lol.

I’m tired honestly, physically tired. It’s like 6.13 am and I should be sleeping 3 hours ago. Just going to sleep away all this thoughts I guess, but they definitely reappear again. Gawd, it was supposed to be an update of how much I been savings so far for my Brisbane trip

BRISBANE SAVINGS SO FAR: $790

Have a good day, yall.

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Writings

Echo

WP Daily Prompt: Echo

I am done with shouting hurtful words with you when we fight. Words that came out at the heat of moment. You knew that those words are not what I meant, but why do you still take it to heart?

I know it was my fault, I knew that words can pierce your soul so easily. For you are a person who rather write all your sadness and anger in a flurry and keep it locked away. But who also share your happiness with me in delight by reading your beautifully eloquent words.

You’re a writer. I am aware of it when I was allowed a peek into your world. You made me read your chapters from the past and drafts for your future. Sometimes, I picked up crumpled papers that contain your hopes in it. I am marveled. I truly am.

However now, I fear to think that I got too far ahead with you. Am I taking you for granted, reading mindlessly without really registering it? Am I the sole reader of you, or will there be others after me? Am I selfish to keep you by myself instead of sharing your stories with others?

All these thinking just made my head spin. You’re the one who can express your feelings, but why do you choose not to at critical moments? Communication is important, and I thought we wouldn’t had that between us but it did. Oh, the irony.

I snapped back to the sound of your cries from across the room. Are you in pain? Geez, of course, I’m such a dumb fucker to even ask that.

I should be holding you but right now, I fear that you will break under my hurtful embrace. Cause oh my love, you’re too fragile.

It’s quiet now but never have I heard such a loud echo of desperation between us.

 

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