I logged into my blog tonight at this ungodly hour of 3.50 am because first of all, I am taking a break from studying and secondly, I just want to write something suddenly. Something that eating away at the back of my mind, but I am not even sure how to begin writing about it. It could be one of those late night over thinking thoughts though.
The prompt for today, I did not know what does it mean so I did a quick Google.
– characterized by pretentious or showy display; designed to impress.
And I was just blown away by what I found, because I was thinking of writing something similar on that. It is a coincidence or what?
Gawd, my thoughts are so disorganized now, I’m just going to flow with it and ignore grammar rules now.
To begin with, it is known that we act differently depending on the people we are with. For example, family, friends, lovers, lecturers. I do not believe you if you said you act the same way for every person. I do not mean we did a complete 180 turn from how we usually act, of course there are still the essence of your personality, it just that there are restrictions depending on the social group you’re with.
And that is possibly what eating away at me. To be honest, I caught myself acting ostentatious in some settings? I’m not even sure if its pretentious but the way I am behaving in uni is so much different when with my friends.
Of course, I justify it by saying I’m only comfortable with my close friends and uni friends are just uni friends you know? They don’t watch you grow up and go through the awkward teenage phase with you. They didn’t go through high school with you.
However, I am open to the idea of being closer with uni friends. It’s not really about how long you knew that person, its how they make you feel.
It’s a bit suffocating, I guess? Lol, I just realize one of the reasons is probably because I can’t swear as much as I want to with my uni friends. Need to be proper a bit, like a fking lady. Jkay, I’m far from being it 😛
But I guess it’s probably because the way I am wired. I’m really shy and quiet (despite the opposite of what others have told me) and I need more time to open up to people. I do not really have the social skills to keep the conversation going and I really prefer to listen to what you have to say on certain things.
All those self-help articles and advice will always be about one thing. BE YOURSELF.
So, I am being myself. Just not 100% during uni.
However, another dilemma I’m facing now is that people seem to think that I’m faking it?
I know, I know, I might be contradicting myself now, but I never, ever, act in a way just so I can impress people. No, all that shit talk bout being cool/need to act this so can uphold my reputation/don’t wanna throw face is just fking annoying and again, shitty, really.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR OPINIONS ON ME.
But yea, honestly, whatever I have done now, it is solely 100% my decisions.
No matter how fked up I am during that time of decision, it is ultimately MY DECISION ALONE.
These past couple of months, I might seem to be behaving differently from others’ perceptions of me, hence I might seem ostentatious. But no, I just want to say that people can change, and for me, I’m just finally doing whatever the hell I wanted to do. I’m breaking out of my shell.
Then again, I realize that it might have been too much of a drastic change for them to accept, but oh well, like it or leave it right?
My thoughts are clear now. I come to a conclusion that I am not ostentatious, lol. I just need to work on my social skills for uni.
Okie. Always remember to do whatever the fk you want (except criminal stuff like killing, use some common sense lah) and stay true to yourself. The worst enemy is yourself, but the best friend is also you.