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Work on Yourself

Hey, just a quick post on something that I learnt today. Been very busy with assignments but I need to write this.

A senior drove me back to my home this morning and among the things we talked about, she gave a particular good piece of advice.

“Work on yourself,” she said as we talked briefly about boys and relationship.

My senior/friend is someone I respect and admire. She is a few years older than me, but doesn’t look like it. She has that “I’m confident” vibe and for me, it’s something.

“Work on yourself. Know yourself really well. Know what you like, what you don’t like. Invest your time in improving your skills, like communication skills. Think about your life goals and work for that. Relationship can wait. Work on your self-esteem and confidence, love yourself, and when you have all that, you will attract people.”

Having this conversation with her, I realize how immature I am. There’s more to life than relationship, I do know that and sometimes, it felt like relationships are a fickle kind of thing. You don’t let it define you unless you did. I know all that, but she kind kick some sense into me.

I have an epiphany that I always “lose” myself when I like someone. I am learning from all my past experiences, but this advice has a more profound effect on me.

Your personality matters at the end of the day, and you need to constantly work on improving yourself.

That car ride home, I discovered that my senior is a full-fledged woman who doesn’t let other people opinions get to her, and I’m still a girl.

However, I am starting my journey to be a woman.

Cheers everyone! Have a nice day!

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Urgent

WP Daily Prompt: Urgent

There is a world below me. A world that I was once a part of; hustling and bustling for the materialistic objects that we deemed are covered in happiness. However, once you unwrapped it, the wordings “MORE MORE” are inscribed on it. Just staring back at you and you feel compelled to act on your sense of urgency, the need to chase and fulfilled your compulsion.

I looked down on those oblivious sea of people, walking fast and possibly shouting orders on their phone. Faces frowning and unfriendly. Homeless people on the side of street are invisible to them. Majority of them are the underdogs. The top dogs are the one in the cars, looking outside the window and sneering at these people. The top dogs are also the one who has a high-rise office either by their family fortune or kissing the ass of a higher ranking CEO.

I breathe in my last puff of cigarette and threw the cigars butt down, watching it disappear slowly into the abyss of people. In a few moments, I will be down there, my face might possibly be smashed but still recognizable for my family members. Not that they are of any use really, those blood-sucking monsters.

It’s just like falling asleep. You close your eyes and sunk down into your unconscious state of mind. In fact, it is similar to sleeping, only it is permanently.

I take one last glimpse at the sky,

close my eyes,

take my last breath of the dirty air that is polluted by the factories designed for our consumption

and

jump.

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Writings

A Promise

WP Daily Prompt: Promises

Today prompt made me think back of an 18-year-old me. I thought of a promise I made with a significant someone in the past. He made me promised that I would not lose a part of my identity when I am infatuated with him. This promise was in response when I told him that he was my shell. At that time, I was quite dependent on him, hence the ‘shell’ analogy that I used for him.

I knew that I could not keep that promise. He knew that too and he took a harsh approach when I break it.

Along the way, I just lose myself in him. I felt like my existence was defined when I was with him. He knew how harmful is that. He saw it coming, I didn’t.

On some days, I wondered if  he knew that I’m still struggling to pick up pieces of my personality that I had lost.

It was destructive, I admit, but did I regretted it? No, never.

One important lesson I learnt from that period of time is that I should never compromise my self-worth to suit another person. The aftermath can be a painful journey to retrace your steps back to the starting point, but you will rediscover yourself along the process.

I’m still retracing.

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You Will…

You will want to call him and said “I miss you.”
You will want to beg him to come back to your life.
You will want to hug him, kiss him, touch him, felt his skin on your skin.

Nonetheless, life goes on. Time is cruel.

You will grow,
you will learn to adapt,
you will felt pain,
but you will undoubtedly get stronger.

You will, one day.

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Back to Fitness Square One

I just did two of Cassey’s Blogilates videos and I’m feeling good.

I had been in a fitness slump for few months now? Can’t remember the last time I did exercise. I used to love jogging so much, I did it 3-4 times a week for an hour. However, that spark of motivation just gone. I don’t feel like doing it. I guess one of the reason I justified for this slump is I walk everyday at uni anyway, so that’s my exercise.

My eating habits are also inconsistent. I eat very little when I am at uni, 1-2 meals per day, sometimes one heavy meal per day. I just don’t have the appetite to eat. It’s the same cooking style every single day. However, once I go back to my home, lol, I just keep munching on food.

It’s a vicious cycle really. Seeing your friends abroad and your lil sis doing exercise while you just stay at home, wondering why can’t I just get up and move?! But you just can’t be bothered.

So walking back from uni just now, the desire to exercise just came back.

The feeling you get after sweating is just good. You see your face and arms glisten in sweats. Hopefully the pimples on my face will reduce.

One of the things I like about Cassey’s Blogilates is that you can do it at home. So if you are the type of people who are conscious of doing exercise outside, check out some of her vids!

I did this two just now, quite fun! You will feel the burn though.

^I used to do this while waiting for my movies/drama to load.

 

^This was a new one, the word Hip Hop attract me to be honest and “no jumping”. Duh.

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Just Ehsan Elaborating

I can’t believe it is already October. 2016 is almost over! Thinking back of the first half of my year, it was pretty awesome and dramatic in a way? I remember how I skipped most of my lectures during February as it was Chinese New Year and spend most of my time visiting/bai nian. My first semester at uni, I was pretty anti-social because I couldn’t care less. Most of my close friends were at my hometown, Kuala Belait (KB) anyway so I don’t see the point of making “fast friends” at uni.

I remember some of those crazy stuffs I did that I didn’t know I was capable of. It felt like it was a long time ago but nope, it’s this year.

If I were to compare the first six months of 2016, it was too good. Circumstances are different now that I felt a bit regret that those moments can’t be relived. Nonetheless, I will treasure those simpler days.

For some people, October remind them of Halloween but for me (probably my friends too), it is the month where most of my assignments are due. I’m talking about those assignments that are worth 30%~40% of your grade. 😥 Right after that, I will be having my examination next month.

The positive thing about this is that these two months will passed by quickly because of the amount of workload. Finally, it will be December!! All my friends abroad will be back and excited at the prospect of seeing them again. 🙂   **yall better be reading this**

So I guess, I might not post as frequent as I did last month. If you have ideas/suggestions, feel free to tell me.

In the mean time, work smart at your uni’s works!

 

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Writings

Nights

Nights like this where all the lights are off and the only sound in the background is my playlist on repeat is when I miss you the most.
Nights like this I wish you were here as I lay on the cold hard floor of my room.
Nights like this I yearn for you.
Nights like this I think of the times we had together, the good and the bad as I stared at the ceilings above me.
Nights like this I noticed the beauty of the chandelier and the intricate details of the ceilings.
Nights like this is when I knew I had lost you.
Nights like this made me think of the past and whether I can undone it.
Nights like this is just lonely.
Nights like this is knowing that I cry and no one will know.
Nights like this.

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