Uncategorized

Nikita Gill

New poet crush, Nikita Gill. I love finding new poets that made me appreciative of their words. It’s similar to when you found a new song that you like, you somehow just feel connected. Here are some (from my discovery of 15 minutes ago) of her words that I like. Guess who is going to spend her money on her books?

Why She Stayed - Nikita Gill

You are Hope in Human Being - Nikita Gill

Advertisements
Standard
Thoughts, Writings

Vase

I am broken beyond repair.

Like a vase that been smashed into pieces,
With the spill of water
and remnants of flowers
on the floor.

My broken shards promising pain to people who tried to touch it,
cuts forming and blood flowing on their fingers.
Shunning them out.

Let me be.
Don’t fix me cause I don’t want you hurt.
Don’t fix me if you are going to give up halfway.

Approach me only,
if you have the patience to glue each tiny pieces of me,
into a complete vase.

If you don’t, please just leave me be.

I prefer to have my fingertips bleeding
from piecing myself together,
painstakingly,
little by little.


Turning pain into words and surprisingly, I like this piece. I guess that is one good outcome. Still improving my writing. In a dark place right now but no worries, the Chinese blood in me is still able to study for my exams next week. Even if I cried or moody as fuck, it seems like my brain can still manage to do all that while studying and writing notes. I’m baffled by it as well.

If you are in a dark place (on however you define it), I wish for you to see the light soon and for your suffering to end as well. I truly wish you to find happiness.

Lots of love,
Ehsan

Standard
Writings

Perfect by Ed Sheeran

Memories of yesterday
keep resurfacing randomly today,
in the form of a smile and chuckle.

Infused with joy through my veins,
the warmness of happiness spreading throughout,
as I remembered the funny forgotten conversations we had.

How perfect you look under that lighting,
I was transfixed by you,
that I forgot how to breathe,
and that it is impolite to stare too long.

The way our fingers laced,
the tease in your eyes,
the gentle pats.

This moment will last forever.
Nothing, and I meant everything, can corrupt this precious memory.

I fail to remember any sad songs yesterday as Ed Sheeran’s Perfect keep replaying in my head throughout the day.

I honestly don’t deserve you :>

 

Standard
Just Ehsan Elaborating

Depression

Disclaimer: These are my own feelings/opinions/experiences/perceptions of depression and it might not accurately depict what and/or how depression is in the medical context. I have not been professionally diagnosed to have depression. 


Depression.

Its funny how I thought I have depression when I learned about it in Psychology and part of the reason why I even took Psychology was that I suspected I had depression (why do I keep feeling sad?)

American Psychiatric Association defined it as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.” Merriam-Webster has two definitions; (1) a state of feeling sad and (2) a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.

Sadness is a big part of depression. Yes, that’s true. However, it is still a little bit more than that and this is where common misconception lies.

When I somehow knew I have depression (during A-Level), I kind of keep it to myself and just insist that I was being sad and it is normal to feel that way. I wasn’t really vocal about it because I don’t want to lead myself to believe I have depression? To put in simply, I was in denial and I myself felt like it doesn’t match well with my personality. I’m always the girl that is smiling and laughing loudly (plus getting mad/raging to my close friends).

Somehow, it just got worst from then on and now, I don’t really deny that I don’t have depression. I’m trying to include it as casually as ever when talking to my friends. I want people to talk more about it and get rid of the negative stigma attached to it (that we are crazy). I want people to understand better about depression.

I mentioned earlier that depression is a little bit more than just being sad.

It is like a creeping vine that slowly growing around your heart.
You know it is there and no matter how you cut it or trim it, there will still be vines.
You just can’t remove it.
Sometimes, the vines just grab ahold of your whole heart and you just can’t help it.
You can’t breathe. You’re overwhelmed with all these emotions that are suddenly awash and you just want to curl up and be sad.
Other days, the vines are not that bad. It leaves you alone.

What people don’t get is that I can be in a crowd and surrounded by friends, joking and laughing away when suddenly, the vines grab ahold of me and I started to feel this lump at my throat. My heart felt like it is being clenched and there is this heavy weight pulling it down. And I can still be smiling and laughing with all these discomforts happening inside me within seconds.

That is what happening now.

It was a pretty good day today until after dinner. I just struck by this feeling and can’t help feeling sad.

I want to stop writing about this now. Also, it’s not so bad tonight, at least I am still able to formulate my thoughts and write this post.

Standard
Uncategorized

Feeling wordy tonight, and always at the brink of exhaustion. Its 4 am now and should really sleep but gripped by this particular sentence (the last one) in my mind. 


Can you hear it?

Listen really carefully.
Focus on that faint rasping.
On that slight tugging on your heart.
The momentary silence.
Just your own heartbeat.

Can you hear it?

 

Can you see it?

That glow the person is giving out.
And everything surrounding that person seems to fade away.
The face is etched in you.
How the sunlight seems to make her eyes changes colour from hazel brown to golden yellow.
Blink again to appreciate your eyes are not fooling you.

Can you see it?

 

Can you feel it?

The walls that are crashing down this moment.
The waves that became rough at the shore.
The storms that are slowly manifesting into a typhoon.
And just as suddenly,
everything is calm.

Can you feel it?

 

Can you taste the melody of love that is brought to you?

Standard
Thoughts

M for Melancholy

I don’t think people ever move on.
Truly.

They said to give time its time when things like this happen.
Why?
No, seriously, why?

Because with time, we forget?
Forget about the memories
and the way he smiles,
the way he hugs me?

I can’t.
I can’t forget the imprint he has left in me.
I can’t forget about the stupid dream that he told me once.
I can’t listen to some songs without being reminded of him.
I can’t read the books I lend to him anymore.
I can’t forget about the night where he needed me. When he shared a piece of his soul with me. I can’t forget his secrets, his insecurities, his fears, his aspirations.
I can’t forget his childhood stories, his discomfort in Cambodia, and how people said he is similar to his mum.
I can’t finish watching the final season of Breaking Bad that he love so much.
I can’t forget his birthday.

I can’t forget my shell.

Part of me accepts that he will always have a place in my heart. Part of me wonders why I am still stuck in the past. Part of me still loves him.

It has been 3 years, so honestly, do time made these memories fade or just numb me?


Your name, 
still,
has bells attached to it, 

and a sweet aftertaste 
with an image of your smiling face.
Whenever I uttered your name.


 

Standard
Writings

I was just a seed.
Unknown of my origins,
crumpled together with all the other seeds,
when you found me.

I am still unsure why you choose me,
what did you see in me?

You put me in the soil,
and watered me every day.
You ensure I have enough sunlight,
and shield me when the weather is really bad.

In time, I grew into a beautiful flower.

And your jealousy grew as well.

You cannot stand your friends admiring me,
for I am your personal project.

So you kept me locked in a room,
away from prying eyes,
but don’t you realize that you are depriving me of my essentials?

My leaves are wilting. I am dying.

Your love for me was once pure and honest,
and now it is corrupted and suffocating me to death.

Have you reached that stage where you rather destroy the love you build?

Standard