Disclaimer: These are my own feelings/opinions/experiences/perceptions of depression and it might not accurately depict what and/or how depression is in the medical context. I have not been professionally diagnosed to have depression.
Its funny how I thought I have depression when I learned about it in Psychology and part of the reason why I even took Psychology was that I suspected I had depression (why do I keep feeling sad?)
American Psychiatric Association defined it as “a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.” Merriam-Webster has two definitions; (1) a state of feeling sad and (2) a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Sadness is a big part of depression. Yes, that’s true. However, it is still a little bit more than that and this is where common misconception lies.
When I somehow knew I have depression (during A-Level), I kind of keep it to myself and just insist that I was being sad and it is normal to feel that way. I wasn’t really vocal about it because I don’t want to lead myself to believe I have depression? To put in simply, I was in denial and I myself felt like it doesn’t match well with my personality. I’m always the girl that is smiling and laughing loudly (plus getting mad/raging to my close friends).
Somehow, it just got worst from then on and now, I don’t really deny that I don’t have depression. I’m trying to include it as casually as ever when talking to my friends. I want people to talk more about it and get rid of the negative stigma attached to it (that we are crazy). I want people to understand better about depression.
I mentioned earlier that depression is a little bit more than just being sad.
It is like a creeping vine that slowly growing around your heart.
You know it is there and no matter how you cut it or trim it, there will still be vines.
You just can’t remove it.
Sometimes, the vines just grab ahold of your whole heart and you just can’t help it.
You can’t breathe. You’re overwhelmed with all these emotions that are suddenly awash and you just want to curl up and be sad.
Other days, the vines are not that bad. It leaves you alone.
What people don’t get is that I can be in a crowd and surrounded by friends, joking and laughing away when suddenly, the vines grab ahold of me and I started to feel this lump at my throat. My heart felt like it is being clenched and there is this heavy weight pulling it down. And I can still be smiling and laughing with all these discomforts happening inside me within seconds.
That is what happening now.
It was a pretty good day today until after dinner. I just struck by this feeling and can’t help feeling sad.
I want to stop writing about this now. Also, it’s not so bad tonight, at least I am still able to formulate my thoughts and write this post.